Blessings and Well Wishes

So, Mike and I survived our Christmas and I hope the rest of you did as well! Well, I hope you more than survived it, I hope that you were all surrounded by friends and family who love you and give good presents! And, I hope you all moved past the stress and long lines and crazy people and remembered why we do actually celebrate Christmas! (Even though i told Mike that I'm planning on changing religions by next Christmas so I don't have to buy gifts anymore!) But, in all seriousness, I hope all of your Christmases brought welcome surprises and a little peace and joy! I love you guys! (I love you too, baby Jesus)

P.S. Don't Mike and I make a better couple than Tom and Katie (pictured below)?!?!?!

I love old people, they can be so random! Today I was rushing through Wal-Mart trying to get some last minute shopping done. I stopped by the magazine isle to see if i could find a specialty magazine for a gift. As I was standing there half browsing and half thinking of what else i needed to buy an older man approached and glanced at the magazines for a moment and then turned to me and pointed to US magazine which had an adorable picture of TomKat conoodling on the cover. "These young famous guys" the older man says "they can do whatever they want, they've got so much money. And her," he says motioning toward Katie Holmes, "I used to think she was the cutest little thing. All these movie stars, they get married and split up weeks later." Of course all this time i'm standing there politely agreeing with what he is saying wondering what in the world he is going to say next. And just when I think he is turning to leave, he looks at me and says, "I say all those movie stars are interested in is "shacking up". Leave it to those old men to say something you just wouldn't expect. Make him proud Tom and Katie!

Jones soda

Everyone loves Jone's Soda, don't they? Go to jonessoda.com and vote for my picture to be on a soda label! Once you are on the website, go to labels and click on photo gallery. Then under search type in heather and i'm the only Heather from Rochester, IN! Thanks guys, you are the best!!

I just wanted to show a couple pictures i've taken and finally uploaded onto the computer. Let me know what you think!!

Gas prices

I just got my first gas bill today... and freak'n wow! I know that we, as a country, are in somewhat of a crisis with the whole gas thing, but what? are they trying to freeze us out because they know they can't just kill us? I live in a box and to keep this box warm... not even hot, ( i keep my thermostat at 63 degrees) it costs more than i spend on food each month! I guess i'm just going to have to turn off the heat all together and start wearing all of my clothes instead of the normal long-johns and three sweaters i already wear. So, those of you who see me on a regular basis, if you notice icicles hanging from my nose you'll know why! Happy freezing!!!

Today

Today is
a"i feel worthless" day
a "i don't care what i eat, make me fat" day
a "even if i'm beauitful, i'm not" day
a "don't even start" day
a " is it over yet?" day
a "keeping laughing or i'll cry" day
a "even if i'm laughing i might be crying" day
a " go back to bed" day

I can't wait for tomorrow, I hope it's a
"i don't want this day to end" day!
(pretty please?!)

So much for better

The second best thing to moving out of state is moving across town? Apparently I've fashioned this idea, and so far I'm not too amused by it. I mean, yes, it is so much better living on my own in my own little house with my own things and not having to sneak into my parents house at 1 am worried that they will be asking me where I was. But, honestly, I have no reason to be out at 1 am in the first place. It's not like there is a hopping night life here in Rochester, or that I really have anyone to go out with to begin with. So, can you tell i'm really enjoying myself?!
It seems like too often in my life i've been disappointed. I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of over-exaggerated expectation, or just a running theme for me. I know i've writen about this previously, but i am constantly amazed at my lack of excitement about what I thought might make me truely excited. I just don't want to continue through life on the "disappointment train" how awful would that be? Maybe it's my whole outlook on life. I expect a lot out of BIG decisions or changes, when it's really the little things that get me going. And maybe that is how life is really supposed to be. I celebrated more over the fact that my puppy went for a whole week without pooping or peeing in the house than i did over actually moving. Which is more important?
Life is a mystery... I don't know why I sometimes feel a certain way when i think I should feel something else. Hmmmm....

Mike and I want to move away, but we have no idea where to start, any suggestions? We have a general area that we want to live in, but the searching for apartments and jobs is such a pain. I've never moved to a new place and had nowhere to live or no one to know. It's a little stressful!

Baby

Prayer

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do i really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And i hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~Thomas Merton Through the Year with Thomas Merton

step into the mouth of those lonely dreams
and be swallowed up in their honesty,
the searching is over.
untie the harness of expectation
relax in the arms of freedom
what you seek can be found
listen.

What's the Attraction?

I must admit, I'm jealous. In all my surfing across the great wide cyber space i've come to notice that there are certain people who gain more attention just because of their beauty. They could be the dumbest people in the entire world and would not even be noticed if not for their beautiful hair and flawless skin, perfect makeup and fashion sense. Of course this isn't just true online, but anywhere one would find oneself, and I know this is an age-old problem... the beautiful girls are always picked over the plain looking ones even if they have no personality. So, why is this just beginning to bother me now?! And why should it bother me at all? I have a boyfriend who adores me, thinks i'm beautiful and funny (sometimes)... so the attention that other girls get shouldn't bother me, right? WRONG.

I guess I'm going to have to be brutally honest here. I secretly want to be the most attractive person in the world... there, i admitted it! I secretly want guys to gush over me and drop anything and everything so that I am happy. And, i secretly become jealous and insecure when I see that happening with other girls and not with me. Oh, the agony of being a woman with the fatal flaw of comparison, but girls, aren't we all guilty of it?! Fearful that we will loose our boyfriends or husbands to that beautiful girl in his office or the supermodel on those cheesy Victoria Secret commercials? Because, let's face it... some of us are just the "great personality" girls and there is definitely competition out there. So, how do I prevent myself from feeling that way? How do i teach myself to be content with myself and my looks? Well, i guess if i knew that answer I'd be rich.

Consequently I am glad that I don't have guys flocking around me... it would be difficult to have to turn them all down, and I think Mike might get a little annoyed by that! (hehe!)

Hey, come on in

I have this weird thing about imagining what other people's lives are like.. this might explain my obsession with reality tv. I can met these people and then see exactly what their life is like without ever coming into contact with them. Anyway, I talk to someone, or meet someone, or see someone on the street and my mind starts driffting into what their life is like. I start to imagine them going home.. what does their house look like? What is their decorating style? What will they do when they get home? Then I imagine how they intereact with others... do they laugh alot? Are they mean to their spouse or significant other? What is really going on behind there eyes? Are they having financial difficulties? I think you get the picture. The point is, i think it's really strange that I do this. I feel a little silly and crazy! I think, though, that i do it because i'm curious about other people's lives because it gives me a chance to step out of my own life for a little while... which can either be good or bad. I tend to over romanticize other people's lives, but i don't think i am alone in that... I think it's only human to think that the grass is always greener on the neighbor's side of the fence, but that doesn't mean that it's right. And, i hate being that way because then i forget to appreciate the wonderful things that i have in my life.... like a good job, my health, my youth, and people who love me.
Well, anyway.... let me know if any of you ever wants to know how i invision your lives... you might just realize that the grass really is greener on your side!!

We may not have Wilson, but at least we have each other

Mike and I had our first REAL fight today. That probably isn't something that should be announced to the blogging community, but i just want to talk about it for a moment.
I made a mistake... correction, i made a major mistake. I did something I knew was wrong and I knew it would make Mike upset, but i did it anyway. I was thinking about myself and not really caring how it would make him feel. That was my second mistake. I also completely under-estimated how upset he would be with me... which in all actuality shouldn't have mattered, the minute i thought that it would upset him should have been the minute i stopped considering doing it. Unfortunately i am completely and utterly selfish and I had no regard for anyone but myself. Damn me.
Mike was really upset with me, we both said some things that we didn't really mean.. and we wasted a lot of time arguing over stupid points. I hate fighting... i hate trying to be mean and stubborn and difficult because it is exhausting! But, as much as i hate fighting, the process always brings me to the realization that true love can make it through anything. Mike is amazing and wonderful and more than i deserve... he knows with i need a swift kick in the ass! He puts me in my place even though i fight hard against it. He lets me kick and scream and exhaust myself and then he brings me back to the reality.. the truth at hand. This time he was the innocent one and i kept pointing my finger at him.. he didn't let me get away with that. He is quick to forgive, where i'm often quick to condemn... calmly answering me when i interrigate him.
It's hard for me sometimes, i don't always feel like i measure up.. i don't always feel good about my past and some of the baggage i have brought into our relationship. Sometimes i feel like i'm failing over and over and will contine to fail. And then i wake up and realize that's absolutely true... i'm human. However, Mike has a way of erasing all of that self-doubt, a way of making my mistakes look beautiful because they bring us one step closer to each other. I love this about him!
I love him! How could i possibly be so lucky?

**Mike, thank you for not giving up on me... i love you!***


ASIDE:
tonight i found a flesh colored fungus growing in our front yard... i kid you not, it looks like a penis. if i was computer savy, i'd post a picture of it! (thought you all needed to know!)

expectations and obligations

I really have a hard time disappointing people. I'm no good at it. If someone asks me to do something for them and i really have no "good" excuse not to, i generally do it even if i don't want to do it at all. I think this may be a problem because sometimes i can get myself into some sticky situations... not being able to say "NO" and all. For the most part, however, i only get asked to do things that are inconvenient for me... such as go out of my way to get milk for a friend because she left it at her mom's house and doesn't want to waste it. But anyway...

My real point is that every person in my life has a certain set of expectations for me. My parents expect me to get a good job and make a good life for myself... just as i expect these same things from myself, but they have a different "idea" of how i should go about fulfilling those expectations. My friends expect me to lend a listening ear and spend time with them... and i see no problem with that, except when they want me to devote the entire week to their "needs". (not that any of them really do this... but you get my point). My boyfriend has various expectations of his own... mostly the same expectations i have for him but obviously varied due to gender. My job, my church, my co-workers, my clients... they all have expectations of me and sometimes i just want to scream!!

I am a people pleaser and like i mentioned before, i will do most anything to make people happy, even if it requires me to lose a little of myself in the process. I feel obligated to people. I think, "if i don't help them, who will" so i sometimes take on the "burdens of the world" because i think i'm the only one who can. I know in my heart that this is not true, but tell that to my head.

Lately i have been feeling stretched. I don't want to go into all of it here, but i'm beginning to realize that in order to be truly happy, i have to be true to myself. Some people have expectations for me which far exceed any that i have for myself... because either they don't quite know who i am or because they can only see my situation from a narrow perspective. Either way, it's not fair for me to have to feel obligated to fulfill their expectations only because they are important in my life. I want those people to love me, but will they really deny me love because i don't meet their expectations? Maybe their expectations are grandiose and are impossible to reach, not only for me, but for anyone... or maybe i am placing too much importance on making other people happy, when in actuality, the only way i can make others happy is by first being happy myself. If i am stretched and drained and wearing thin... i can do no good for anyone.

"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you that you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

not so perfect

have you ever realized that sometimes, without even knowing it, we attach a ton of expectation to certain things and there is no way that those things could possibly live up to all the expectation. I know this in my head, but I am constantly forgetting it. i forgot it this past weekend when my boyfriend and i embarked on our first "mini-break" (as they say in England) as boyfriend and girlfriend. We had been planning our trip to Chicago for about a month... i was so excited to experience big city life with my new boyfriend! everything was planned perfectly in my head.. a nice romantic dinner, walking through the city at night, laughing and holding hands during the day as we wandered through museums or walked through the streets people watching. I envisioned us having intelligent conversations about the price of tea in Europe.... in short, i imagined that we were two completely different people. Apparently when i dreamed everything up in my head, i failed to insert the two key players, Mike and myself! I should realize by now that the moment i think that things are perfect is the moment that inevitably something will piss me off. Suffice it to say, things were not perfect and I think Mike and I fought more in one day than we've fought in the seven months that we've known each other. Although, i have to admit that most of the arguments were my fault.

Really, things weren't as bad as i make them out to be it's just that the actual weekend didn't go the way i'd planned. We did have a nice time... we did enjoy each other's company and the sites of the city. We had the romantic dinner and the laughing and holding hands while walking through the streets... but there were also moments of complete frustration. I'm learning that this is pretty normal. No couple is perfect, no person is perfect... and besides, what fun would it be if you didn't disagree? What would you learn about each other? I did learn that Mike is a trooper.. Completely patient with my shenanigans and sometimes ridiculously sour moods. He is concerned and willing to hear my side of things... even when i don't deserve to be listened to because i am being completely outrageous. For this i am so thankful... he is beyond my expectations! (thank you, love).

Our next vacation will hopefully hold no expectation... (is that possible?)

lack of motivation begets lack of motivation

i'm less than motivated. i think i've worked a total of 10 hours this entire week. the rest of the time has been spent emailing, looking for places to live, looking for new jobs, talking to co-workers, and staring at the wall. Whoever thought it would be helpful adding the internet to our offices obviously had more confidence in me and my co-workers than we should really be given. I hate that i can become so easily distracted, because it isn't just at work that this happens, it seeps into my "outside work" life as well. It pokes its head into my relationships, my free time, and my hobbies and at the end of the week i can safely look back and realize i haven't accomplished anything. Were did my work ethic go? Where did my pride in my work go? am i just a product of a lacksidasical generation? i don't want my kids to look at me one day and say "gee mommy, you're lazy". this really scares me, but horrible as it is, it doesn't scare me enough to get my butt in gear. Any suggestions to mop away the "lack of motivation" blues??

You almost died vicarioulsy through me

I had the closest brush with death this morning. I was driving to work completely zoned out and with my music blasting so really, none of my senses were working at the time. I'd just like to say that it's not very good when you get to the point where you know a drive so well that you could drive it with your eyes closed because then every time you drive it you are basically driving it with your eyes closed. But anyway. On my drive, just before I reach my place of employment, I have to cross a railroad track. As a general rule, the train schedule is pretty unpredictable, at least to me... the one who doesn't pay much attention. I could arrive the same time every day and only be stopped once by the train, yet for some reason when i cross the track a different time every day there is always a train. The point being, i can't count on the train, and if i could, i wouldn't have seen my life flash before my eyes this morning. Back to the story: as i approached the tracks in my tiny Ford Focus, that would colapse and crush me if ever hit by a train traveling at any speed, i noticed that the red light on the crossing sign was flashing. Ok, wait, let me back up. I shouldn't actually use the word "approached" or the word "noticed". Those words are too calm for the story. What actually happend was I was in the middle of the three-track crossing when i realized with complete horror that the lights were flashing and the arms were coming down on me. And when i "calmly" glanced to my right i was shocked to come face to face with a moving train!! I think my heart stopped beating for several seconds until my head cleared and i jetted off the tracks. I glanced in my review mirror in time to watch the cargo train zoom past, and i took a deep breath just to make sure i was still alive.

I guess that expericence made me realize that life is too short to be wasted working... what's really important in life is making sure my blog is updated! I promise i'll be more faithfull :)

would it be alright if i didn't try

i have been so eager to not try, lately. i feel like such a slacker. I just feel a little disoriented and disorganized, my life seems to have become so hectic lately. I'm just not used to this! I keep thinking, "where did all my time go"? I remember when i used to have too much time and I would write letters and read books and keep up with my correspondence, but i haven't had much time for those things lately.

But, back to the not trying thing... so, yeah, i just don't feel like accomplishing much of anything, i'm just kind of gliding along without really having a clear direction. Very unwise, i know, but this is just how i am right now. So unmotivated and maybe a little depressed.. which is always the culprit behind my messy room and unkempt appearance. Everything is moving so quickly, and i just haven't had the time to catch-up.. i feel a little lost which makes me even less willing to try. I'm lazy. If i were an animal I would be a hibernating bear.

"What a big baby, won't somebody save me Please?"

Just an update on my life for all two of my faithful readers (who basically already know any updates in my life anyway!)

1) On Monday i bought a new puppy! His name is Willow and he is the most adorable thing i've ever laid eyes on. He's a Yorkshire Terrier and so laid back and well-mannered i sometimes forget that he is there! Willow has managed to squeaze his way into the hearts of my family members as well as into the heart of Mike who has lovingly agreed to be partial caretaker when no one is avaliable to watch Willow!

2)I've been spending a lot of time with Mike lately, which i think might only be because he loves Willow so much, but regardless of the reasons, I've enjoyed every moment of it!

3) I started a new job in Peru, IN and I'm really enjoying it! It's really been challenging for me and I feel as though I'm in a place where i'm starting to accomplish something that might have some lasting affect. This is very exciting for me!!

4) I'm dying to move out of my house! Now that I have new puppy, I'm looking desperatly for a place of my own. I love my family, but i'm 24 now and need to be on my own again.

5) and Last but not least, It's finally summer and I just love it! Today I walked out into one of the first summer rains of the year and i just wanted to cry... summer makes me so happy!!


That's all for now, Folks..

Even on an average day, Extraodinary things can happen

Be
if you must
more than brilliant words on a page
or simple voices over wires
be LIFE

Be
for my sake
truth personified
and reality exemplified
be HONESTY

Be
if you dare
more than a goodnight kiss
or an intensity of grip
be LOVE

Be
i beg you
the hidden key
an oasis on a deserted highway
be MINE

Alas, my dear friends.. where have you gone?

just thinking about friends.
i have traveled so much in my little life and have been fortunate enough to make wonderful friends around ever turn... so how unfortunate it is that i have misplaced all of my friends, and that the only place that i end up landing in for more than a year is the place where i am completely void of real, steadfast, enriching friendships... i miss you, friends.

Communication, HA!

I SUCK at communication, and i don't think that is a real big secret to anyone who has known me longer than a couple of weeks. I don't know what it is, but i just cannot express myself through spoken word. I sputter and stumble over what I am really trying to say and rarely sucessfully say exactly what I mean. Read anything I write and mostly likely it will make perfect sense, but ask me a question and don't expect anything intelligent or profound to escape my lips. I ultimately am persistantly making an ass out of myself while trying to come off confident and self-assured, grrrr.....

My giggly girl! 

Open Your Eyes

My senior year of college was one of the worst years in my life. I didn't really see it coming; i thought my life was looking pretty hopeful. Everything was so perfect and then i blinked. My life began unraveling... like a snag in my skin caught the edge of disaster and left me; skin, bones, and all in a pile on the ground... waiting.

i lost myself that year. i fell into a deep depression, i wallowed in my pain and despair. i was blinded and jaded by the circumstances i found myself in. i walked around in a haze and it's difficult now to remember any days that year when the sun actually shone... cloudy, rainy, gloomy days are all i can recall. I cried all the time, i would go for months without having a full night sleep... my grades dropped, my class attendance dropped, and the amount of time i spent lying in bed in the dark increased. I lost weight, i was in a constant state of tired...nothing motivated me, nothing made me happy. i became a ghost of a person, i hated what i became. And my disappointment in myself only increased my depression.

I could feel myself slipping further and futher away from reality. i was living an internal life, eating myself from the inside out by the lies i fed myself. Sometimes your worst enemy can be yourself... i had become my worst enemy.

one morning, i was sitting in chapel alone, inwardly scorning my fellow students yet desperately hoping that one of them would notice my despair and help me up. in my depression, i had grown cynical about the church and God. i didn't see the point in worshiping a God who allowed my pain to grow so deep... i didn't blame God for what was happening to me, but i did question his Authority and Power. and the idea that maybe God didn't hold the power and authority that i grew up believing He did was more shattering to me than the thought that he was punishing me somehow. The chapel service was coming to a close and i had not heard one single word that had been said but, as the announcements were read something caught my attention. A trip to Bulgaria to work with severely handicapped children in an orphanage was scheduled for that summer.

for years my dream had been to open an orphanage of my own. my plan at the beginning of my college career was to become a nurse so that i could be a missionary in an orphanage.. when i realized that chemistry and microbiology were not my strengths, i changed my degree to Human Services thinking that one day i'd become a missionary and work with handicapped children overseas. So, when i heard about this trip i knew that i had to go. i went to an introduction meeting and i was sold! i called my dad and told him that i really wanted to do this, but i needed money... and for the first time that i can remember, he was thrilled to pay for me to serve.

I knew my life was anything but spiritual... my prayer life consisted of threats made to God and my devotional life was practically non-existent... but i glossed my cynicism and doubts over with all the right words and spiritual lingo. i grew up in the church and certainly knew how to speak "church"... but it was my heart i was worried about. i remember nights before my trip when i would cry out to God, pleading for a soft heart, a willingness to be broken. i didn't want to fail, i didn't want my selfishness to get in the way of what God might do, and how God might work.

Fast forward. Yesterday, memories of Bulgaria flooded back to me. i dug around my closet and drug out pictures and pictures of faces.. Experiences.. miracles. i felt my heart breaking all over again as i remembered the voices and laughter and smells of the orphanage. the deep despair which was as heavy as lead in every room we entered... but was soon replaced with laughter and joy as we exited two weeks later.

It's ironic to me that the hardest year of my life could be followed by the hardest lesson of my life, but i guess it shouldn't be ironic. My trip to Bulgaria did not heal the brokenness and despair in my heart, it did not make my life any less confusing, it did not change my circumstances. It did, however take me to a place far outside of myself... it broke me even more, so much so, that for once God could seep into my heart a little. i struggled, i wept, i ached but this time i wasn't doing this for myself... i was seeing that my world is so much bigger than me. I stood face to face with the ugliest of conditions of life and i sat down in the urine. I held a man my own age in my arms... because he was no bigger than my 10 year old brother. i saw suffering and i saw joy amist the suffering. And i saw myself selfish and prideful being used despite my selfishness and pride.

The point of taking a missions trip is to give something away.. to give your time and money and expertise in order to help a group of people... to allow God to work through you and hopefully he will graciously allow the efforts of the team to have some kind of impact. But, it is an incredibly humbling experience walking away from the trip feeling as though you have received more than you gave... feeling like the lessons you learned, the people you came in contact with, the gentle words that were spoken to you had deeper meaning and changed your heart more than you could ever have imagined.

Bulgaria taught me to open my eyes. When i came home my situation in life was the same as when i'd left, but my outlook was enormously altered. i could see, i could feel, i could move around outside of who i was. I wish i could say that my selfishness ceased, but that would be a lie. Months later i morphed back into the old me. I grabbed hold of my cynicism again and sank back into the same old sins and selfishness. But, there are amazing moments in my life when i drift back to the orphanage and i remember the children and the lessons they taught me and the hugs they gave me and the tears we cried together and i breathe and thank God that i can open my eyes.

Only a Stone's Throw

Sometimes the people who are supposed to be the most loving, forgiving, and understanding people are the ones who hate, judge, and refuse to admit their own shortcomings and failures. In the Bible, these people where the Pharisees, the pious and religious do-gooders who clung too tightly to the rules and laws of the prophets. They never could understand that the rules were set up as guidelines for a righteous life, not a straight-edge for perfection. I clearly see where they went astray and how they because so tight-assed in the first place and I cannot fault them for doing so, because i am extremely guilty of it myself. I have stood straight and condemned the broken and bleeding; telling them how ugly and filthy they appear before God... unaware of the filth and wretchedness painting my own soul. I have felt righteous and good, vainly. I have wrinkled my nose at the sincerity of confession and later mocked the tears and weeping of a truly repentant heart. I am guilty, guilty. i am not deserving, i am not worthy. And yet i am loved, i am forgiven. Amazing Grace.

I think once i found myself on the receiving end of this phariseedical judgment, it became much easier to step outside of myself and realize what I had been doing all along. Instead of helping people by condemning them, which ironically was my held belief and not at all a theme in scripture when it came to Jesus, I needed to love them where they were, keep my mouth shut and extend my hand, or my arms.. whichever the situation called for. Wow, what a concept, really. What a lost art, what an extremely difficult task. It is so much easier to spout off religiosity than to actually love.

Aside from the story of the Cross; the most poignant depiction of love, of Amazing Grace, to me, is found in John 8: 3-11. This section of scripture is well known and quoted often, but i am constantly returning to it knowing that i have walked in the shoes of both characters; the Pharisees, and the woman. And i believe that Jesus' final words to the women where not spoken only to her, but to the Pharisees as well, if they would only listen. The words are a promise "Neither do I condemn you", and a pleading "From now on, sin no more".

I'm stepping down from my soapbox now, and i'll end this entry with a poem inspired by this passage and taken from the woman's point of view.

throw that rock to the ground
for you are no better
your words may be slathered in spirituality
but if you throw that at me-
your heart has not felt the change.
your eyes tell the deeper truth
that you, too, have stood in my shoes.
you are afraid to face me because i represent
what lives within you
i have failed you, but you will fail yourself
if you don't take a closer look.
i hurt as much as you-we are the same
broken-both deserving the same stone
but HE refuses to throw it
HE will not condemn us, only love.
now will you see?


help me to love, even when it is easier to condemn.

Confessions and Questions from a Cynical Romantic

i have been thinking about love, Eros more specifically, and how it is possible. i am constantly having questions about love, but they have come very urgently as of late. mostly, i'm sure, because i have several friends who have recently gotten engaged and married. i always have mixed feelings about this: i am elated that my friends are happy, in love, and anticipating a life spent with their "better half"... then there is this nagging part of me which questions love. i have always had a horrible doubt that this wonderful romantic idea that two people could love each other, adore each other for a lifetime is only a myth. And, i feel very bitter and cynical because i think this.
i guess my cynicism springs from my own experience with love, or pseudo-love; which ever it really was, and i hate that it clouds my vision and possibly my ability to love. i dated someone for almost six years and i never seemed to get the love thing right. there were days i thought i loved him, i pushed myself to love him, i fooled myself into believing i loved him... and so, i loved him. does love have to be forced? i don't think so, but i think sometimes people want so much to be loved, or make love work that they force themselves to love. the more i forced myself to love, the more i started to believe that i actually loved him and the further i stepped away from the truth. this is a scary place to be.. because a lie can so much look like the truth.
but, i also think there is some truth to the idea that sometimes we have to force ourselves to love. right? or have i completely missed the point? doesn't love sometimes require a push? doesn't love go through a funk when the feeling just isn't there anymore, when two people just have to go through the motions in order to make it work? does love really have to be like that?
i want the kind of love that Romeo and Juliet had... the kind of love that is so passionate it ignores the warnings and pushes full force into death.. the kind of love that burns. but, i also want love that aches, that is raw and awful and painfully real. love that is messy and erratic and hopefully desperate. even more, i want love that is soft and patient, love that holds on and laughs, love that cherishes and adores. Can love be all of these things? Should love be all of these things?
love is a mystery to me... and maybe it will always be. and maybe that's the key to it all, that no one will ever know completely how love is supposed to be. so, how will we know when we find it? how will we know it's the real thing?
i want to stop questioning. tell me your story, tell me your heartaches and your experience.. i want to learn you. maybe this is love.

the answer will come

I am, inadvertently, letting my life be sucked from me. Is that possible? Have you ever gone so far and then realized you are not at all where you meant to be? How did I get here? What steps did i take, or fail to take, that led me to this point? I feel as though I have completely lost sight of who I am. The real me and the false me are juxtaposed; mingling breath, dancing, flirting with each other in hopes of birthing a version of myself which is less complicated and more refined. But, i am failing. And, i should be failing.
Lately i have found myself so unreal. i keep staring in the mirror wandering who it is staring back at me. I do not recognize these cloudy eyes, these broken smiles, these vacant glances which are reflected back at me. I am compromised. But how?
do you know who you are?

Oh Rapturous Delight

Spring is bursting out of every corner and my soul is beginning to creep out of the dark, rotting hell in which it has been withering.
i can breathe again, ahhh.
it is amazing how a simple season can bring such hope and expectation. the long winter is passing.. behold the newness of earth, the sweet smell of blossoms, the beauty of clear blue and shimmering gold! AMAZING.
the beauty overwhelms me and i cannot help but stop and stare. i can see the temptation to worship nature.. it is so miraculous; where only yesterday there was a naked tree limb, today produces a cluster of fragrant petals!
i am in love, giddy as a school girl.. and i cannot help but selfishly feel this beauty is somehow created for me!

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~e.e.cummings

thank you, God... oh thank you for spring!!

may my heart

may my heart always be open to little birds
who are the secret of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are
old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's a Sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are never young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

e.e.cummings

Oh Lovely Day!

Great things are always happening to me! On Sunday i hung out with some people in Warsaw and we played Sand volleyball. I suck at it! And i hurt my wrist. i hit the ball and my wrist started burning, so i looked down and in like half a second my wrist had swelled twice its normal size! i didn't think that was really supposed to happen, but when i showed Matt he didn't seem too concerned about it, so i kept playing.
Today is Tuesday and it's still swollen, is that a problem?! It looks pretty too... lots of green and blue bruises. i'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow, i guess. All of my deepest desires are coming true!!
But, some actual good things did happen today.. I didn't have to pay for Napoleon Dynamite because they had it at the library, yippie!! And, i heard from an old travel companion whom has been absent for several years... you know who you are :)!

losing

i cannot see you;
beyond my tears you are so blurred-
and i cannot be sure to what direction you are turning
and my weeping heart gaps open
bleeding

i cannot hear you;
within my own head screams of betrayal overtake you-
and i cannot be sure who i can really trust
and what failure i will release
if it's you

thoughts on that

it's my birthday tomorrow. i totally hate birthdays! i'm not exactly sure why but i always expect that something great will happen on my birthday.. i'll get some great surprise that i wasn't anticipating at all or my long lost friends will call me up and say they are in town just for my birthday! It never happens though, and it's always disappointing. It shouldn't be, i should just be happy that i've made it to another year and i have a family that loves me and friends who make me happy more often than disappoint me, but yet, there is still that small, but nagging feeling of wanting something more.

i'm going to be twenty-four. that sounds so old to me! i can just picture my seven-year-old self staring up at it's twenty-four-year-old future self asking "who are you? that's what i'm going to be in seventeen years?" (i hope i'm not a disappointment!)
I think i'm doing alright. the past twenty-three years have been a mishmash of trying and learning and living and failing and breaking and re-making. I am becoming so much so quickly, and nothing so slowly. And, i think that i am right where i am supposed to be. Right in the middle of confusion and chaos... yet so much peace and confirmation. I can't wait for what i'll become at twenty-four... i have a feeling it will be grand!

meditations ~

When I am alone
to myself i call
in quiet meditations-
recalling the lost memories
of years past,
time known only to myself.
i examine the inside of this battered,
weak, and trembling heart
trying to find some reason for this time-
this moment alone.
smiling, i breathe, relax
and enjoy time, eternity gone by
and remaining
thinking of how i was and will be-
today, tomorrow, forever
changing.
i don't want to forget-
i always want to hold to this time
that i capture only for myself
and memories.

TRYING

could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
just a little while
to see if your human after all

honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read
I'm just trying
to find my way
the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
and if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you and
trying to find my way

~Lifehouse

not exactly your fairy tale ending

"i'm feeling trapped"
she says rolling over in bed to face him
"i'm afraid of where i am
and where i am going"

"don't tell me"
he whispers
"it hurts"

"i can't do this anymore"
she cries, hidding her face in her pillow

"please, please just leave"
he can't watch her go
he can't watch her leave

"i can't feel anything anymore"
she screams silently
"I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN"
("please")

i can't remember

i am selfish.
and my soul is black and caked with wishes that extinguish the purest intentions and deepest desires that were created in me... i am blind.
i am rotten through and through. the thick, sticky tar of sin seeps from my pores and strangles the clear, sweet smoothness of virtue.
i am the walking, living, breathing, eating, talking, laughing, pseudo-innocent dead.
(oh God; who.... what.. have i become)

Poison

The fastest way to kill a plant is not by failing to water it, but by feeding it poison.
The same is true with love.

sometimes

sometimes i feel like i've never had ONE original thought.
sometimes i want to be completely invisible, just disappear in a crowd.
sometimes i want to wrap myself in the darkness and be filled with light.
sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i want to start something good and never finish it.
sometimes i wish i were anything than what i am.
sometimes i make up excuses just to make myself feel better.
sometimes i talk and never really say anything.
sometimes i just want to be quiet forever.
sometimes i listen without really hearing.
sometimes i make a fool of myself.
sometimes i want to be misunderstood.
sometimes i cry.

Open

Open
you stubborn heart
you weather-beaten and
bloodied life giver.
you must try
for my sake-

Feel
even if the feeling is
more than you can handle.
i'd rather die from feeling
than live anesthetized

Scream
oh lonely rhythm;
cry if you must
but never, never, never stop trying-
you must remember to
love.

Homesickness

"Why does this happen to us? Because we have abandoned an infinite number and variety of pure possibilities, and perhaps they live alongside the choices we did make, immortalized in the cosmic memory. Perhaps there are unknown lives walking alongside ours, those paths we didn't take, and we reach for them, we ache for them, and don't know why. We have, none of us, lived our lives as we ought to have, and maybe that's a good, working definition of sin. God doesn't care, the angels don't care, no one is mad at us for our failures. But what agony, to know our better selves, the life we might have lived is there, just out of reach!..... have you felt this? this phantom life streaking like a phosphorescent hound at the edges of your ruin?"
~ Haven Kimmel The Solace of Leaving Early

Poetry Anyone?

Enjoy treading through the broken and insaneness of my heart!


Starting Over

i'm tried of the "i miss-es"
i want to stop the longing for yesterdays
because yesterday is OVER.
today is here, so LIVE IT NOW!
my mistake is misery-
my mistake is forgetting the heartache.

So- i'm stopping that stuff Now.
and Moving On.
Find it, that which i am searching for
the Bright future
the bigger picture
and forget that sometimes my life was easier
and sometimes less complicated.
Embrace the shitty days i've been having lately
and smile
because when i feel pain- i know i'm alive
and i know that pain is only one feeling
that just like happiness, will pass.


An Ending

i cannot endure you anymore.
i will not succumb to your pseudo-truth
even if i have felt some hope.
i am worth more
and the first choice became second choice.
i will never become second choice.
i need only remember the words
and the silence full of memories
to understand the depths i fell into
with you.
you sank me- but only because i allowed you
to steer me into the storm;
Foolishly.
i demand your retreat
i resent your attempts
to reinstate my affection,
i despise your care-free conversation
and pornographic implications to love.
you
disgust
me
with your disregard for sacredness.
i am ashamed that my heart
has responded with something resembling
expectation.

Truth

I don't even know where to begin. I have such a difficult time with balance; knowing what is right and what is wrong.. who i should be and who i shouldn't be. I fight myself daily! I fight God daily and at the end of the day i am completely exhausted.
When will i recognize my true self, grow into that true me and shine brilliantly yet humbly? Will i, can i ever?

Lately i've been running into this idea of a true self in my readings. The perspectives are all different, but the end result always seems to be the same.. that there is much pain and heartache involved in becoming your true self... and often you only catch a mere glimpse of what you could be, are truly created to be, and that is often enough to inch you closer to a deeper awareness of who you are.

But, it's all so confusing to me. I've been reading Thomas Merton... i wish that i could think as deeply and be as completely aware of myself as he is; but i guess a lot of that comes from living in a monastery where your thoughts are always centered on becoming more like God and in so doing become more the true self. in his essay on Integrity he talks about the importance of succeeding in being yourself and how so many people walk around living pseudo-lives; believing that they are truly themselves when really they are only a mirror image of everyone else... "They wear out their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems or possess somebody else's sanctity". I have to stop and evaluated myself... and be completely honest and say that, i too, often live someone else's life.... Possibly because i'm lazy... Possibly because i'm am afraid to live myself... Possible because i don't know how to be myself. And, what of you? Do you experience your true self, or do you mirror those around you?

I am comforted by what Merton says next... that "individuality will not necessarily assert itself on the surface of everyday life. It will not be a matter of mere appearances, or opinions, or tastes... it is something deep in the soul". I can eat what you eat, wear what you wear, talk the way you talk, like exactly what you like.... yet be completely different from you in soul and spirit and that is beautiful and freeing and the true meaning of individuality.

Perfect humility comes in knowing and being your true self. "Humility consists in being precisely the person you actually are before God, and since no two people are alike, if you have the humility to be yourself you will not be like anyone else in the whole universe". Is this possible? How can we be totally ourselves and know that we are totally ourselves in a world where we run into falseness everywhere? "You must have the humility to work out your own salvation in a darkness where you are absolutely alone..."

Is honesty part of humility... and that which brings about truth and integrity? Is it through total honesty that we meet our real selves? But total honesty is so scary. I'm tired of walking around myself without really knowing myself because i keep hidden the deepest desires which are the ones which should be driving me. I've supressed myself. Maybe because i've been programmed to think that what i feel isn't always right, or what i desire is evil. I want to return to the childlike state of innocence.. of knowing and saying and doing that which comes most easily, that which makes me alive and taps into my inner most truth.

"You can never be sure whether you are being true to yourself or only building up a defense for the false personality that is the creature of your own appetite for esteem. But the greatest humility can be learned from the anguish of keeping your balance in such a position". Thanks Merton, this is where i get completely confused! That whole balancing act throws me for a loop! The world sucks me in, i become so selfish and materialistic and i want more and more and more.... give me the million dollar home with the maid and the nice wardrobe and i'll probably not think about any of this ever again! But, i stop and remember that sacrifice is part of being humble... that integrity requires me to give more of myself... that honesty would make me realize that i'm just living in my own waste and life is more important than things. And, does all that wrapped into one make me true. I know the materialistic side of me is probably not good or true or humble, but how do i know when i am being materialistic? And is that really the point? Is selling all of my things and giving money to the poor the answer to knowing myself completely? I don't think so.

I think more than anything I just want to be in tune with the part of me which reaches out to God for the greater life He has for me and that takes a lot of practice and discipline. And, i think that is basically what Merton is saying... that when we take the time and realize that we are walking aimlessly... it's like the blind following the blind when we look to other people to try and find ourselves. When i reach out to you to give me a reason for being, i lose myself completely... because you are just as lost as me, if not more. And, if i begin to copy you... i suddenly begin to lose a little of myself and if i allow myself to, i will become your clone and my true self will be lost. "And God Himself, Who wanted to create [my] special perfection and [my] own joy, will have to wait until after [i] have passed through a laborious Purgatory before He can finally do so".

Please God, Strip me down to nothing.. so that i may become the greater good, the truer truth, the eyes of God.

(all quotes are taken from Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton... essay 8 Integrity)

"The Solace of Leaving Early"

I've left home before. I moved away to go to college in a strange town with strange new faces; it was beautiful.
i moved away to start a new life in a place i never dreamed i'd ever live. i made it work; i made friends, i made enemies, i made memories, i made a life.
i've returned home. i've returned for an extended sabbatical, settling into a routine, a job, a way of life. I've reunited with friends, i've lost friends, i've gained friends. i've realized that life always changes even in the place of your childhood. life doesn't stand still when one leaves, contrary to my every belief.
here i am, ready to leave again. never content in one place, one job, one state-of-mind. does my discontent stem from my surroundings or is it internal? how will i know? i have a sickness of the soul which aches for MORE...always.
i am ready to leave. to scrape the humdrum, wasted wreckage of this town off my bare feet and traverse the reaches of the world and never look back. i never intend to return for anything more than a visit (but, will i?!).
i can never forget my life here, but nothing has been the same. i am disappointed and relieved in the same breath... what will it be like to leave again? what will it be like to return?
i want to leave because i don't want to live this mediocre life. i want to live my own life, not the life of my parents or my friends. i want adventure, to make something of myself, to experience life for myself. i want to screw up and stand up and laugh and do it all over again because that is real. (isn't it?)


Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why i should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set fourth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew-
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

Robert Frost

thank you, Mr. Frost for composing the words which i could have never spoken... and for knowing exactly how i feel. my leaving is not mere whim.. it is a journey i must undertake in order to find the truth, the truth which lies deep within me and can only be birthed through experience and a kind of desperation.

Inspiration

close your eyes
and don't breathe, for just a moment.
take my hand
and lead me into the brilliantly dark
abyss
which is truth and beauty
and anger and hell
which is heartache and love.
teach me your language
the one spoken in the emptiness,
the bubbling, gurgling blackness
which is you.

Starbucks can really open a person's eyes

Ok, I admit it, i'm a fan of Starbucks. Yeah, i know that it's so taking over the entire world and people who go there think they are cool because they go there and everyone is obsessed with getting the "perfect" cup of coffee; but i'm a sucker for it. Where else in the state of Indiana can you see a Professional and a Goth sharing the same table?
I think the great thing about a place like Starbucks is that anyone and everyone feels comfortable there (ok, maybe not everyone; but there certainly is a sense of diversity... wait, maybe i'm totally off, but bare with me). I love the atmosphere; people chatting about the weather, people reading books about Nietzsche, the aromatic smell of coffee and chocolate making everyone a little dizzy and consequently much more agreeable. What is better than happy people and a warm cup of coffee in the company of a great book, or a great friend? (ok so, not everyone likes coffee, and some people don't like friends or books for that matter... but just imagine it!)
Anyway, Starbucks isn't really the reason that I started writing this. It was something that struck me while walking out of Starbucks today. I saw a perfect family. You know what i mean; the expensive luxury car without a spot of dirt, the beautiful, PTA president wife and the handsome, net worth: 2 million dollars, husband along with the adorable and amazingly brilliant and "never runs with scissors" son. I had to swallow several times to keep from gagging on my Mocha Frappacinno and then smiled politely as they held the door for me.
I walked to my car and laughed. I never want to be the perfect family. I don't want to be the quiet wife who watches her husband work while she stays at home knitting sweaters for her nicely dressed son and daughter. There is nothing wrong with that, but it's not for me. i want my family to be loud and happy and messy. To laugh at stupid jokes and themselves and know when to have a good time. I want my family to be more concerned about spending time with each other than about the money we make. I want my family to experience life, go camping, play with dirt, travel to different countries and walk the streets with the poor. I don't want them to be spoiled and have everything they could imagine; i want them to understand the pain of others and not be afraid to cry when they themselves hurt. I want a family that reaches out and expresses themselves freely. i don't want to subscribe to the American dream, with the white pickett fence and the dog and 2.5 children. NO. It's not for me. But, more power to you, perfect families for you make my definition of dysfunctional so much easier to describe!

Flaky? Really

So, i'm sitting at work... i should actually be working, but it is one of those days when i have too much on my mind to really be productive. Writing seems to be the only release on days like this; much to the chagrin of my company and clients.
I want, for just a couple of brief seconds, to go back in time to change that last thing i said or the way i said it. I can't count the number of times i replay conversations in my head and pick out what i should have said... and ultimately feel remorse for what i did not mention. It's a fault of mine to blame myself for the past moments when, in fact, they are past and will never be changed.
I want to be able to turn myself around and stare myself in the face and talk some sense into myself at the exact point that i am going to do something stupid. What a difference that would make... no more hurtful words, moments left unfinished, stupid mistakes. (But, do i really want to stop myself, and would i?)
I guess it's true what Mark Twain said "Years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do.... than by those you did" (paraphrased) However, i am often more disappointed by what i do.
Someone told me today that I was flaky, i'm beginning to agree.

Accidentally

who am i?
and why does it take a stupid mistake to make me realize that life is precious
and anything can happen-if we are open to it
or aren't paying attention

i wrecked my car-
sitting here in a ditch i cannot do anything but laugh through my tears.
laugh because: it only takes one split second to find myself sitting on the side of the road-sideways-starring at the broken side mirror
and thinking "i'd been doing so well"
and tears because: how can i fix this? i can't even get out of my car- i need help (something i fear asking for).

humbling-yes, this is the experience of being humbled.
(oh, God: don't laugh)
but, thank you for the SLOW sign. i need that occasionally.

Depression?

I am depressed. The weather is grouchy and it keeps spitting on me, no matter where i am. I remember learning in a religion class in college that when Greek people spit on you it means good luck, so i guess i consider the sky Greek and the spitting good luck. But, the eternal pessimist in me sees no good in the luck i've been having as of late!

Howdy Boys

To all you manly men out there i'd like to ask a simple question, why?
why are you the way you are? please explain how an ex- boyfriend who is now married can email his ex-girlfriend and tell her he's been thinking about her, that just doesn't seem right, does it?
If any of you marvoulous men-folk can answer my wonderings, i would so appreciate it!

A New Year?

I have been thinking about the meaning of new, epecially in terms of the New Year. I woke up this morning feeling as though this day shouldn't be just a normal day because today is the first day of 2005! Getting dressed, I tried to contemplate a new way to do things. Should I put my left foot into my pants first instead of my right? But, honestly, I don't feel new, this day doesn't feel new... and is it really a new year?

New is such a relative term.

I want to be new. I want this to be a new year. I want new to mean more than new, something more like refreshed and recreated. Changing from the old into the better, the more educated, more thoughtful, more real.... me. Is that new?

These are inconsequential ramblings sprung from a lack of anything better to do!