Truth

I don't even know where to begin. I have such a difficult time with balance; knowing what is right and what is wrong.. who i should be and who i shouldn't be. I fight myself daily! I fight God daily and at the end of the day i am completely exhausted.
When will i recognize my true self, grow into that true me and shine brilliantly yet humbly? Will i, can i ever?

Lately i've been running into this idea of a true self in my readings. The perspectives are all different, but the end result always seems to be the same.. that there is much pain and heartache involved in becoming your true self... and often you only catch a mere glimpse of what you could be, are truly created to be, and that is often enough to inch you closer to a deeper awareness of who you are.

But, it's all so confusing to me. I've been reading Thomas Merton... i wish that i could think as deeply and be as completely aware of myself as he is; but i guess a lot of that comes from living in a monastery where your thoughts are always centered on becoming more like God and in so doing become more the true self. in his essay on Integrity he talks about the importance of succeeding in being yourself and how so many people walk around living pseudo-lives; believing that they are truly themselves when really they are only a mirror image of everyone else... "They wear out their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems or possess somebody else's sanctity". I have to stop and evaluated myself... and be completely honest and say that, i too, often live someone else's life.... Possibly because i'm lazy... Possibly because i'm am afraid to live myself... Possible because i don't know how to be myself. And, what of you? Do you experience your true self, or do you mirror those around you?

I am comforted by what Merton says next... that "individuality will not necessarily assert itself on the surface of everyday life. It will not be a matter of mere appearances, or opinions, or tastes... it is something deep in the soul". I can eat what you eat, wear what you wear, talk the way you talk, like exactly what you like.... yet be completely different from you in soul and spirit and that is beautiful and freeing and the true meaning of individuality.

Perfect humility comes in knowing and being your true self. "Humility consists in being precisely the person you actually are before God, and since no two people are alike, if you have the humility to be yourself you will not be like anyone else in the whole universe". Is this possible? How can we be totally ourselves and know that we are totally ourselves in a world where we run into falseness everywhere? "You must have the humility to work out your own salvation in a darkness where you are absolutely alone..."

Is honesty part of humility... and that which brings about truth and integrity? Is it through total honesty that we meet our real selves? But total honesty is so scary. I'm tired of walking around myself without really knowing myself because i keep hidden the deepest desires which are the ones which should be driving me. I've supressed myself. Maybe because i've been programmed to think that what i feel isn't always right, or what i desire is evil. I want to return to the childlike state of innocence.. of knowing and saying and doing that which comes most easily, that which makes me alive and taps into my inner most truth.

"You can never be sure whether you are being true to yourself or only building up a defense for the false personality that is the creature of your own appetite for esteem. But the greatest humility can be learned from the anguish of keeping your balance in such a position". Thanks Merton, this is where i get completely confused! That whole balancing act throws me for a loop! The world sucks me in, i become so selfish and materialistic and i want more and more and more.... give me the million dollar home with the maid and the nice wardrobe and i'll probably not think about any of this ever again! But, i stop and remember that sacrifice is part of being humble... that integrity requires me to give more of myself... that honesty would make me realize that i'm just living in my own waste and life is more important than things. And, does all that wrapped into one make me true. I know the materialistic side of me is probably not good or true or humble, but how do i know when i am being materialistic? And is that really the point? Is selling all of my things and giving money to the poor the answer to knowing myself completely? I don't think so.

I think more than anything I just want to be in tune with the part of me which reaches out to God for the greater life He has for me and that takes a lot of practice and discipline. And, i think that is basically what Merton is saying... that when we take the time and realize that we are walking aimlessly... it's like the blind following the blind when we look to other people to try and find ourselves. When i reach out to you to give me a reason for being, i lose myself completely... because you are just as lost as me, if not more. And, if i begin to copy you... i suddenly begin to lose a little of myself and if i allow myself to, i will become your clone and my true self will be lost. "And God Himself, Who wanted to create [my] special perfection and [my] own joy, will have to wait until after [i] have passed through a laborious Purgatory before He can finally do so".

Please God, Strip me down to nothing.. so that i may become the greater good, the truer truth, the eyes of God.

(all quotes are taken from Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton... essay 8 Integrity)