i have been thinking about love, Eros more specifically, and how it is possible. i am constantly having questions about love, but they have come very urgently as of late. mostly, i'm sure, because i have several friends who have recently gotten engaged and married. i always have mixed feelings about this: i am elated that my friends are happy, in love, and anticipating a life spent with their "better half"... then there is this nagging part of me which questions love. i have always had a horrible doubt that this wonderful romantic idea that two people could love each other, adore each other for a lifetime is only a myth. And, i feel very bitter and cynical because i think this.
i guess my cynicism springs from my own experience with love, or pseudo-love; which ever it really was, and i hate that it clouds my vision and possibly my ability to love. i dated someone for almost six years and i never seemed to get the love thing right. there were days i thought i loved him, i pushed myself to love him, i fooled myself into believing i loved him... and so, i loved him. does love have to be forced? i don't think so, but i think sometimes people want so much to be loved, or make love work that they force themselves to love. the more i forced myself to love, the more i started to believe that i actually loved him and the further i stepped away from the truth. this is a scary place to be.. because a lie can so much look like the truth.
but, i also think there is some truth to the idea that sometimes we have to force ourselves to love. right? or have i completely missed the point? doesn't love sometimes require a push? doesn't love go through a funk when the feeling just isn't there anymore, when two people just have to go through the motions in order to make it work? does love really have to be like that?
i want the kind of love that Romeo and Juliet had... the kind of love that is so passionate it ignores the warnings and pushes full force into death.. the kind of love that burns. but, i also want love that aches, that is raw and awful and painfully real. love that is messy and erratic and hopefully desperate. even more, i want love that is soft and patient, love that holds on and laughs, love that cherishes and adores. Can love be all of these things? Should love be all of these things?
love is a mystery to me... and maybe it will always be. and maybe that's the key to it all, that no one will ever know completely how love is supposed to be. so, how will we know when we find it? how will we know it's the real thing?
i want to stop questioning. tell me your story, tell me your heartaches and your experience.. i want to learn you. maybe this is love.
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