Reflections

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”

T.S. Eliot from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

I love you, Peytie

Dear Peyton,
You don't really know me, but I know you pretty well. And, it's kind of like we do know each other because I used to live in Indianapolis, really close to the RCA Dome where you used to play before they built Lucas Oil Stadium. I also worked in Greenwood, IN where I know you have a house...but you never came into the library to visit me, bummer. I also have sort of touched you because this one time my parents were at a Ghost Town in Arizona at the exact same time that Tony Dungy, your head coach, was there and my parents got to meet him and shake his hand. It's kinda like I was shaking your hand because I know that you must shake hands with Tony and I touch my parents hands sometimes...cool, huh?! Plus, one of my friends has this friend who was at a bar one time and you and your buddies came in to the bar after one of your football games and he gave you a high-five! So, we are practically best friends! (that guy also said that you had really soft hands...is that a QB thing or something?!)
Anyway, I'm writing you this letter because I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I'm not able to see very many of your games this year. You know how I used to live in Indy? Well, now I'm living in Phoenix, AZ and apparently more people in Indy watch the Colts than they do in Phoenix, which is super disappointing and I probably would have waited to move until after football season if I had been made aware of this situation. I did, however, get to watch the first game of the season on Direct TV Sports Package, but I have to tell you, friend to friend, that really wasn't one of your best games, I was a little upset with you and had to turn the game off before the end (which I've NEVER done in my life!). But anyway, I really hate that I don't get to watch you ever Sunday. I do sit in front of my computer watching the play-by-play, but frankly I don't really understand it and it's a little more difficult to follow than watching the actual game (do you think maybe you could explain it to me over coffee sometime?!). Also, I don't get to watch you throw the ball, which is really the highlight of the game in the first place. Do you think you could maybe talk to the broadcast people out here and convince them to show more Colts games instead of the stupid Bears?! (I don't really hate the Bears, I threw that in because of how badly they beat you in the first game.) The good thing is, though, that I can see some of the game replayed when I'm working out at the gym because every TV is on ESPN...it's really the only reason I go!
Well, I just wanted you to know that I was really impressed with your style last Sunday. You must be feeling much more confident now since your surgery. I'm sorry I didn't send you a card or flowers when you were in the hospital. I didn't find out about it until the first game.
Anyway, keep up the good work, because I will be paying attention to the games and I know you don't want to disappoint me! Say hi to Ashley for me. I heard that you two might be getting a divorce? Please tell me that's just gossip. Can't wait to hear from you!

Your's Truly,

Heather

I hope you know what you are doing

I'm a little confused. I don't really understand finances that much, but it's hard to avoid the fact that our market is not doing so well in the money department...mainly because I can't watch SNL without being forced to see a skit about politics or money...geesh, the nerve! For some of us, Ignorance is Bliss, and I watch TV for entertainment, not for education... can I get an Amen?!* Seriously, someone should get this situation under control, because my IRA is loosing money.
Apparently, if we are to believe politicians, Obama and McCain both have a plan to get us out of this mess, which I'm ALL for... I just want to go back to watching funny stuff on TV again... so boys, I hope you know what you're doing, because I can't take much more of this!

Anyway, in honor of this horrible financial crisis, I have a funny comic to share with you, once again thanks to Married to the Sea. Those kids are just so funny!


marriedtothesea.com

And remember, if you think this is bad, just wait.


*I'm not actually serious!

It's just a way of life

So, I have to admit it.. I'm a mix tape kinda girl! I remember making mix tapes for my friends when I was in middle school, I'd even have a little personalized message at the end telling them how great a friend they were! As I got older, though, I stopped making mix tapes for other people (no one really liked or understood the kind of music I was listening to) and started making them exclusively for myself. They were, in a way, a documentation of what I was going through in my life at the time; some people keep journals, some people scrapbook, I make mix tapes! Being that music plays a ginormous role in my life, it's only fitting that during such a tumultuous time in my life: being broke, jobless, dogless, homeless, and in a foreign world; and this country's life with all the economic unrest, I have complied the 'ultimate' Mix Tape! Lucky for you I have decided to share it! I hope the sounds and words soothe your soul!

1) Can't Believe It by T-Pain
2) Hurt You by The Sounds
3) You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows
4) Foundations by Kate Nash
5) Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie
6) The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
7) Can't Go Back Now by The Weepies
8) It's a Hit by Rilo Kiley
9) House of Cards by Radiohead
10) Read My Mind by The Killers
11) Paper Planes by M.I.A
12) Ghosts by Laura Marling
13) Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John
14) Intervention by Arcade Fire
15) America by Simon and Garfunkel

Maybe this is what we were thinking all along

It has been overcast and a cool 85 degrees for the past couple of days; excellent fall weather, at least for the desert, and perfect for reflecting my melancholy mood. I love overcast days when the sky grows angry and dark, like an irate father, and tricks me into believing it might shower down furious and violent daggers of rain and lightning. The clouds grow so pregnant with moisture. They carpet the sky, absorbing sound and speed, it seems. Everything is slower and gray and brilliant, oh so brilliant! The earth is holding its breath, and in a way, so am I. It is a welcome change from the excruciatingly hot days in the Arizona sun, not that I’m complaining, because I really do love the sun and the heat, but as Adam Durwitz sings, sometimes ‘I’d like to wash this sunny day down to the gutter’.

This weather is comforting, like being wrapped in a worn and familiar blanket and snuggling close to the one you love; and deliciously dizzying, conjuring up memories of hay rides and corn mazes and bonfires and sweatshirts and runny noses and football games and first kisses and cold apple cider….I love it. It makes me nostalgic for years and memories when I was younger and innocent and full of wonder…believing that the world and people where nothing if not full of love and understanding and hope. Taking me back to a time when it was easy to believe that possibilities were endless and responsibility was nil unless it involved making my bed and washing behind my ears…but, alas, life has a way of growing us into beings who are cynical; teaching us that being vulnerable is dangerous and believing in goodness is perverse. I think, though, it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m learning that it’s cynicism and a lack of vulnerability that is damaging, that not believing in goodness only causes my heart to ache.

I’m not sure how the weather brought me to contemplating the condition of my heart, but are you really surprised? I mean, this is me you’re reading.

On a lighter note, the other day I woke up and walked outside with my cup of coffee and in less than a minute a nasty, hateful bee flew down and stung me on the lip. What was that about anyway?!

So long, dear friends! Remember to trust your instincts and when something seems wrong, it probably is… and watch out for those pesky bees, you never know where they might sting next!

Interview questions we hate

It's no secret I have been looking for a job for the past, eh, three months or so, and FYI,looking for a job sucks. But what sucks even more are those retarded interview questions! You all know the ones I'm talking about: 'How would you describe excellent customer service?' 'Tell me about yourself' 'Tell me about a time when.....' and the absolute dreaded question 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years'. I always get tripped up on this question because where I honestly want to see myself in 5 years is laying on the beach with my Latin lover sipping cocktails and planning my next international trip, but I don't really think that answer will fly! So, what do you say? I never really know and I make something up at the time that involves the words: advancing, successful, your company. So, really, how are you supposed to answer that question? Tips anyone?! Anyway, I found this comic today when I was reading through the funny and politically incorrect Married To The Sea website and I thought it was perfect and I think I'm probably going to use this line in my next interview just to see if the employer can take a joke. Hey, don't they say that not only are you the interviewee, you're also the interviewer? I have to know that the company that I may potentially be working for will fit my personality!! So, for all of you who know where I am coming from, enjoy!! And remember, the truth might be hard to take, but ultimately, it's what you gotta hear(or speak).


marriedtothesea.com

p.s. I think after I say 'vacation approved' I'm going to add the word 'bitches'! Gets 'em every time!

Welcome friends and lovers

I have been gone from this blog for a long time, for many reasons only a few of which are contained in the following: no one reads what I write, I haven't had much to say, I've been deeply caught up in transition. But, I'm hear to make everyone aware that I am coming back! Yeah! I'll start off this post with a new poem that I wrote just today while contemplating the meaning of life in my new favorite coffee house in my new favorite downtown!

Coffee House Blues

Today I am yellow and blue all around
and I'm thinking of you and the love that I've found
and the ways that I'm wrong and the ways that I'm right
and the emptiness I feel when I'm alone at night.
Maybe it's good and maybe it's bad
but I want you to want me and in the wanting I've had
more thoughts than I can think
and more tears than I can cry
of the hope and despair
that love must let fly.

(It's only in the wanting
that I'll let these things out
It's only that I love you
and I'm filled with such doubt.)

Find inspiration today in the little things and remember, Love Conquers All!

You're a Liar

it's this heart i don't trust-
beating erratically in my chest
tricking me into belief
and then proving false at each turn.

I despise you heart;
Your deceptive fluttering
sending poison through my veins
disguised as life, love-
i am sick with your heresy.
you torture me endlessly
with you warmth
with your instinctive hope in goodness
which turns to darkness
and hate,
instantly.
you betray me.

it's this heart i don't trust.
but if not you,
than who?

California Dream'n

when i'm upset, or i've had a really bad day; when i'm sinking into the mire of my life and feeling useless and insignificant, i dream of California.
i imagine what my life would have been like if I had i gone, like i had always imagined i would, to California for college. i imagine the people i would have met, the guys i would have dated, the water i would have surfed in, the body i would have been forced to maintain, the tan i would have sported year long. I wonder at the person i would have become had i moved into the world of the west coast. Would I have stayed all 4 years? Would i be married now, spending my evenings rocking a baby? Would I have stayed in California, be there now working as a photographer, or maybe a nurse? Would I love my job or would i hate it, the same as i do now?
it's easy, when i'm discouraged about where life has taken me, to believe that my life would be fantastically different if i had moved to California. And maybe it would be. Or maybe it would be the same, or worse. does our location determine our situation?
regardless, tonight i wish for the long sunsets and sandy beaches of southern California.... it's been one of those days.

purple elephants

tonight feels like a dream:
the air, so thick it feels like a cushion,
muffles the voices around me.
the sweet taste of pineapple
and alcohol roll around in my mouth
and i am laughing.

the sun is setting
and my dress is sticking to the seat
and a breeze comes through the door
and evaporates the sweat from my arm.
we are talking:
about relationships, about life,
about the boy in the chair next to us,
making plans
we are laughing.

the crowd is growing
we are losing time
and the room is dark and cool,
and we are excited in anticipation.
i want to close my eyes
and drink it all in.

his voice is gravely and low,
his jeans ripped at the knee,
his arms support his tool-of-the-trade-
he is our entertainment
and i listen-transfixed.
because to me,
it is more than music
more than words he sings.
they are memories
documenting a year of my life-
a year of confusion
and hurt
and love
and heartache: with you.
just like a dream.

oh, just cry me a river!

*nightmares*

a part of me can never forget:
especially tonight
when the wind, blowing through my window
caught me off guard
and with my eyes closed
and breathing deeply the scent
there he was,
plain as day.

i don't think God meant it to be like this:
where memories are like nightmares
or open scabs,
and the vividness steals sleep
and the ghosts linger in the stillness
whispering deceit.
no- i don't think He meant that.


*loud*

it's the silence that screams the most-
that wakes me up early
and whispers to me late;
it dances around me like a nymph
taunting me with closed lips;
and rings in my ears
'til i'm deaf.
the silence
stopping me dead in my tracks
playing tricks with my mind
i can hear it so loud.

Underwater

last night i had a dream:
i was talking to you
in despair-
you were listening.
and lying on my bed
everything went dark
and i couldn't speak
and water began rising around me.

i was drowing
and you were asking:
"what would make you happy?"
i couldn't speak-
i was drowning.
but i was breathing
and my voice was quite
and i wanted to recite a list of happy things.
i was sinking underwater,
in darkness
i was afraid.

Above me
i saw dim light
and fish were swimming around me
under and above me
and i was clutching the phone,
but i was silent
and you were gone.
and the fish swam around and through me
and it was dark
and i was scared.

i closed my eyes
breathing slowly underwater
i was alone
with fish
and throughts of what would make me happy
and then i was gone.

Job Hate

do you ever just really absolutely hate your job? let's start a club... it can be called "the perfect job club" and all we do is sit around talking about what would be the perfect job... obviously not the one i currently have, because i totally hate my job... absolutely, positively, no doubt about it. (i hope my boss isn't reading this)

Africa

Ok.. Coolest thing ever! I was reading through a newsletter from my grad department about events and opportunities and I scanned past an article about some person from the IU Medical School at Indianapolis taking a trip to this college in Kenya called Moi. I thought it was interesting, so I read through it and apparently the IUPUI University Library has started an initiative with the University Library at Moi, which I think is really cool. So, as I continue to read, I notice that they mention the possibility of doing a staff exchange with staff at Moi and UL. So, now I'm really super excited! I don't work at UL or anything, but still it's cool! So, at the end of the article it gives the name and email address of the Development Coordinator at IUPUI Library and says to contact her if there are any questions. I don't think much of it until later on in the day I started thinking about internships. And, suddenly I thought: how cool would it be to do an internship in Africa?!?! So, I sent an email to the woman named in the article and asked if there were any ideas for internships with the Moi library. She emailed be back today and said that there weren't any at this present time, but the possiblity was there. She asked me to send her my resume and she would keep me posted about opportunities that might arise!! Now, I know that this is really a shot in the dark and the chances of me actually doing in internship in Africa are probably pretty slim, but still... how incredible would that be!? Dream with me, people!! Spending 2 or 3 months in Africa would be the most amazing thing that could happen!!! Keep your fingers crossed :)
Here is the link to the library: http://www.mu.ac.ke/library/index.html.

Like a Child

Whenever I happen to be home and visiting my Grandmother, there is one story she continues to tell, without fail. It’s a story about when I was just a little girl and I would swing on the swings with my sister. One day we went to the park and as I was swinging I started belting out a song from Annie: “Tomorrow, Tomorrow I love ya tomorrow”. I repeated that line over and over as I flew high into the trees and I can imagine I had my eyes closed and a big grin on my face; passionate oblivion! My sister however, according to my Grandmother’s rendition, was equally passionate about getting me to stop singing and I’m sure her pale little face was growing redder by the minute at each failed attempt to silence me. Every time my grandmother tells this story I roll my eyes and blush a little as though I’m embarrassed, but secretly I love to hear it.
When I was home for Mother’s day this past weekend, my Grandmother told the story again and I did my little eye roll and blush and tried to shrug it off, but this time I couldn’t and here I am, three days later, still thinking about it. And here’s why: I love that little girl. I love that she was so free and content and relaxed that nothing, not even an over-heated bigger sister, could hamper her joy. I love that it only took a swing and a song and the wind tickling her toes to make her feel alive.
It’s been a tough couple of months for me. Life has kind of been careening back and forth and I feel like I’ve hit some of my lowest lows. I’m a far cry from that bright-eyed girl on the swing professing her love for the coming day; instead I’m cynically cursing it. I suppose most all children are cheerful and enthusiastic about life and then change as they grow up, but I wish it wasn’t so. I long to be that carefree and innocent again, able to let problems and let-downs roll off my back, eager to take chances and embrace life as it comes. I want to shrug off the bitterness and anger and doubt and depression I have worn for too many years; they are ugly and cloud my judgment and weaken my resolve. I think that is why Jesus told his disciples, when they asked who would be the greatest in Heaven, that you must become like a little child: “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.” Mat 18:3-4. Jesus knew that we mess things up as adults; that we become jaded and prideful and we lose sight of what really matters in life, but, He also has faith that we can change.
I think we all need more times in life when we remember what it was like to be a child. Whether it’s hearing an old story, playing with a child, swinging on the swings, or even helping Grandma bake cookies, it’s good to be intentional about finding that childlike spirit. I’m hoping that the more often I find that spirit the easier it will become to sustain it and then maybe, it won’t be too hard for me to love this big girl.

i guess it can't hurt to be shameless

~I will be for you~

make me a fool
and i'll be one for you
if that will make you love me

make me a star
and i'll shine brighter than the sun
if that will prove my love

make me your slave
and i will be true to you
if that will make you trust me

make me your queen
and i will reign over your heart
if that will make me desirable

make me a tree
and i will stand tall and support you
if that will make you believe me

make me a home
and i will comfort you
if that will make me yours.

Who ate the cupcakes and other funny tales

I recently rearranged my box of an apartment so that my chair is next to the ledge attached to my kitchen counter which is supposed to be sort of my kitchen table. Anyway, Willow has decided this is a great way for him to get up on the counter top, so when i have been lazy and I leave food sitting out on the counter, he sneaks up there and eats it when i'm not looking. He's so smart! The other day, I came home for lunch and got out the cupcakes I had made a few nights before. I was in a hurry and i accidently left them on the counter, uncovered. When I came back from work at the end of the day, Willow had licked off all the frosting and had managed to capture one of the cupcakes in his mouth and carry into the living room, where i found it lying on the floor!! You gotta love a puppy who loves frosting :)

Indianapolis

I am going to sing the praises of Indianapolis for a minute! First of all, my favorite thing about this city is that it is growing and learning and not yet stuck in the "we're such a big city and way too cool" mode. This year has started contruction on what is termed the "cultural trail" http://www.indyculturaltrail.info/. Basically it's this trail all through the city that connects the different areas of the city: The art district, the business district, the market district, so that people can easily ride bikes, skate, or walk anywhere they need to go within these districts. I, as one who really appreciates being able to walk most everywhere, love this idea! The stinky part: it's hard to walk anywhere when all the sidewalks are ripped out for construction.

Second, we have the colts... World Champions :)

the end!

On the road again

It's hard to imagine that a year ago today I was on the long road trip out to Yellowstone National Park with the intentions of working until September. Oh, to be free from the daily grind and the concrete jungle ... and back on the road toward beauty and adventure just once more! I am longing for something a little greater than the monsterous buildings that rise up around me; something a little more peaceful than the blaring stereos and late night sirens; something slower paced than the whir of technology and the dizzing dance of life i am finding myself in. I want to return, not just in spirit, to the majestic beauty of the harsh, rugged mountains of the west... the place where it is not difficult to find myself craddled in the warmth of His tender touch; finally at peace.

Portrait

My sweet, dear old art teacher presented me with three portraits he made of me! I was so touched.. and then a little horrified when i saw the last one (quite unflattering and utterly too horrific to display here) but i wanted to share the other two, here. You can judge the likeness for yourself!