meditations ~

When I am alone
to myself i call
in quiet meditations-
recalling the lost memories
of years past,
time known only to myself.
i examine the inside of this battered,
weak, and trembling heart
trying to find some reason for this time-
this moment alone.
smiling, i breathe, relax
and enjoy time, eternity gone by
and remaining
thinking of how i was and will be-
today, tomorrow, forever
changing.
i don't want to forget-
i always want to hold to this time
that i capture only for myself
and memories.

TRYING

could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
just a little while
to see if your human after all

honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read
I'm just trying
to find my way
the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
and if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you and
trying to find my way

~Lifehouse

not exactly your fairy tale ending

"i'm feeling trapped"
she says rolling over in bed to face him
"i'm afraid of where i am
and where i am going"

"don't tell me"
he whispers
"it hurts"

"i can't do this anymore"
she cries, hidding her face in her pillow

"please, please just leave"
he can't watch her go
he can't watch her leave

"i can't feel anything anymore"
she screams silently
"I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN"
("please")

i can't remember

i am selfish.
and my soul is black and caked with wishes that extinguish the purest intentions and deepest desires that were created in me... i am blind.
i am rotten through and through. the thick, sticky tar of sin seeps from my pores and strangles the clear, sweet smoothness of virtue.
i am the walking, living, breathing, eating, talking, laughing, pseudo-innocent dead.
(oh God; who.... what.. have i become)

Poison

The fastest way to kill a plant is not by failing to water it, but by feeding it poison.
The same is true with love.

sometimes

sometimes i feel like i've never had ONE original thought.
sometimes i want to be completely invisible, just disappear in a crowd.
sometimes i want to wrap myself in the darkness and be filled with light.
sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i want to start something good and never finish it.
sometimes i wish i were anything than what i am.
sometimes i make up excuses just to make myself feel better.
sometimes i talk and never really say anything.
sometimes i just want to be quiet forever.
sometimes i listen without really hearing.
sometimes i make a fool of myself.
sometimes i want to be misunderstood.
sometimes i cry.

Open

Open
you stubborn heart
you weather-beaten and
bloodied life giver.
you must try
for my sake-

Feel
even if the feeling is
more than you can handle.
i'd rather die from feeling
than live anesthetized

Scream
oh lonely rhythm;
cry if you must
but never, never, never stop trying-
you must remember to
love.

Homesickness

"Why does this happen to us? Because we have abandoned an infinite number and variety of pure possibilities, and perhaps they live alongside the choices we did make, immortalized in the cosmic memory. Perhaps there are unknown lives walking alongside ours, those paths we didn't take, and we reach for them, we ache for them, and don't know why. We have, none of us, lived our lives as we ought to have, and maybe that's a good, working definition of sin. God doesn't care, the angels don't care, no one is mad at us for our failures. But what agony, to know our better selves, the life we might have lived is there, just out of reach!..... have you felt this? this phantom life streaking like a phosphorescent hound at the edges of your ruin?"
~ Haven Kimmel The Solace of Leaving Early

Poetry Anyone?

Enjoy treading through the broken and insaneness of my heart!


Starting Over

i'm tried of the "i miss-es"
i want to stop the longing for yesterdays
because yesterday is OVER.
today is here, so LIVE IT NOW!
my mistake is misery-
my mistake is forgetting the heartache.

So- i'm stopping that stuff Now.
and Moving On.
Find it, that which i am searching for
the Bright future
the bigger picture
and forget that sometimes my life was easier
and sometimes less complicated.
Embrace the shitty days i've been having lately
and smile
because when i feel pain- i know i'm alive
and i know that pain is only one feeling
that just like happiness, will pass.


An Ending

i cannot endure you anymore.
i will not succumb to your pseudo-truth
even if i have felt some hope.
i am worth more
and the first choice became second choice.
i will never become second choice.
i need only remember the words
and the silence full of memories
to understand the depths i fell into
with you.
you sank me- but only because i allowed you
to steer me into the storm;
Foolishly.
i demand your retreat
i resent your attempts
to reinstate my affection,
i despise your care-free conversation
and pornographic implications to love.
you
disgust
me
with your disregard for sacredness.
i am ashamed that my heart
has responded with something resembling
expectation.

Truth

I don't even know where to begin. I have such a difficult time with balance; knowing what is right and what is wrong.. who i should be and who i shouldn't be. I fight myself daily! I fight God daily and at the end of the day i am completely exhausted.
When will i recognize my true self, grow into that true me and shine brilliantly yet humbly? Will i, can i ever?

Lately i've been running into this idea of a true self in my readings. The perspectives are all different, but the end result always seems to be the same.. that there is much pain and heartache involved in becoming your true self... and often you only catch a mere glimpse of what you could be, are truly created to be, and that is often enough to inch you closer to a deeper awareness of who you are.

But, it's all so confusing to me. I've been reading Thomas Merton... i wish that i could think as deeply and be as completely aware of myself as he is; but i guess a lot of that comes from living in a monastery where your thoughts are always centered on becoming more like God and in so doing become more the true self. in his essay on Integrity he talks about the importance of succeeding in being yourself and how so many people walk around living pseudo-lives; believing that they are truly themselves when really they are only a mirror image of everyone else... "They wear out their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems or possess somebody else's sanctity". I have to stop and evaluated myself... and be completely honest and say that, i too, often live someone else's life.... Possibly because i'm lazy... Possibly because i'm am afraid to live myself... Possible because i don't know how to be myself. And, what of you? Do you experience your true self, or do you mirror those around you?

I am comforted by what Merton says next... that "individuality will not necessarily assert itself on the surface of everyday life. It will not be a matter of mere appearances, or opinions, or tastes... it is something deep in the soul". I can eat what you eat, wear what you wear, talk the way you talk, like exactly what you like.... yet be completely different from you in soul and spirit and that is beautiful and freeing and the true meaning of individuality.

Perfect humility comes in knowing and being your true self. "Humility consists in being precisely the person you actually are before God, and since no two people are alike, if you have the humility to be yourself you will not be like anyone else in the whole universe". Is this possible? How can we be totally ourselves and know that we are totally ourselves in a world where we run into falseness everywhere? "You must have the humility to work out your own salvation in a darkness where you are absolutely alone..."

Is honesty part of humility... and that which brings about truth and integrity? Is it through total honesty that we meet our real selves? But total honesty is so scary. I'm tired of walking around myself without really knowing myself because i keep hidden the deepest desires which are the ones which should be driving me. I've supressed myself. Maybe because i've been programmed to think that what i feel isn't always right, or what i desire is evil. I want to return to the childlike state of innocence.. of knowing and saying and doing that which comes most easily, that which makes me alive and taps into my inner most truth.

"You can never be sure whether you are being true to yourself or only building up a defense for the false personality that is the creature of your own appetite for esteem. But the greatest humility can be learned from the anguish of keeping your balance in such a position". Thanks Merton, this is where i get completely confused! That whole balancing act throws me for a loop! The world sucks me in, i become so selfish and materialistic and i want more and more and more.... give me the million dollar home with the maid and the nice wardrobe and i'll probably not think about any of this ever again! But, i stop and remember that sacrifice is part of being humble... that integrity requires me to give more of myself... that honesty would make me realize that i'm just living in my own waste and life is more important than things. And, does all that wrapped into one make me true. I know the materialistic side of me is probably not good or true or humble, but how do i know when i am being materialistic? And is that really the point? Is selling all of my things and giving money to the poor the answer to knowing myself completely? I don't think so.

I think more than anything I just want to be in tune with the part of me which reaches out to God for the greater life He has for me and that takes a lot of practice and discipline. And, i think that is basically what Merton is saying... that when we take the time and realize that we are walking aimlessly... it's like the blind following the blind when we look to other people to try and find ourselves. When i reach out to you to give me a reason for being, i lose myself completely... because you are just as lost as me, if not more. And, if i begin to copy you... i suddenly begin to lose a little of myself and if i allow myself to, i will become your clone and my true self will be lost. "And God Himself, Who wanted to create [my] special perfection and [my] own joy, will have to wait until after [i] have passed through a laborious Purgatory before He can finally do so".

Please God, Strip me down to nothing.. so that i may become the greater good, the truer truth, the eyes of God.

(all quotes are taken from Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton... essay 8 Integrity)

"The Solace of Leaving Early"

I've left home before. I moved away to go to college in a strange town with strange new faces; it was beautiful.
i moved away to start a new life in a place i never dreamed i'd ever live. i made it work; i made friends, i made enemies, i made memories, i made a life.
i've returned home. i've returned for an extended sabbatical, settling into a routine, a job, a way of life. I've reunited with friends, i've lost friends, i've gained friends. i've realized that life always changes even in the place of your childhood. life doesn't stand still when one leaves, contrary to my every belief.
here i am, ready to leave again. never content in one place, one job, one state-of-mind. does my discontent stem from my surroundings or is it internal? how will i know? i have a sickness of the soul which aches for MORE...always.
i am ready to leave. to scrape the humdrum, wasted wreckage of this town off my bare feet and traverse the reaches of the world and never look back. i never intend to return for anything more than a visit (but, will i?!).
i can never forget my life here, but nothing has been the same. i am disappointed and relieved in the same breath... what will it be like to leave again? what will it be like to return?
i want to leave because i don't want to live this mediocre life. i want to live my own life, not the life of my parents or my friends. i want adventure, to make something of myself, to experience life for myself. i want to screw up and stand up and laugh and do it all over again because that is real. (isn't it?)


Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why i should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set fourth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew-
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

Robert Frost

thank you, Mr. Frost for composing the words which i could have never spoken... and for knowing exactly how i feel. my leaving is not mere whim.. it is a journey i must undertake in order to find the truth, the truth which lies deep within me and can only be birthed through experience and a kind of desperation.

Inspiration

close your eyes
and don't breathe, for just a moment.
take my hand
and lead me into the brilliantly dark
abyss
which is truth and beauty
and anger and hell
which is heartache and love.
teach me your language
the one spoken in the emptiness,
the bubbling, gurgling blackness
which is you.

Starbucks can really open a person's eyes

Ok, I admit it, i'm a fan of Starbucks. Yeah, i know that it's so taking over the entire world and people who go there think they are cool because they go there and everyone is obsessed with getting the "perfect" cup of coffee; but i'm a sucker for it. Where else in the state of Indiana can you see a Professional and a Goth sharing the same table?
I think the great thing about a place like Starbucks is that anyone and everyone feels comfortable there (ok, maybe not everyone; but there certainly is a sense of diversity... wait, maybe i'm totally off, but bare with me). I love the atmosphere; people chatting about the weather, people reading books about Nietzsche, the aromatic smell of coffee and chocolate making everyone a little dizzy and consequently much more agreeable. What is better than happy people and a warm cup of coffee in the company of a great book, or a great friend? (ok so, not everyone likes coffee, and some people don't like friends or books for that matter... but just imagine it!)
Anyway, Starbucks isn't really the reason that I started writing this. It was something that struck me while walking out of Starbucks today. I saw a perfect family. You know what i mean; the expensive luxury car without a spot of dirt, the beautiful, PTA president wife and the handsome, net worth: 2 million dollars, husband along with the adorable and amazingly brilliant and "never runs with scissors" son. I had to swallow several times to keep from gagging on my Mocha Frappacinno and then smiled politely as they held the door for me.
I walked to my car and laughed. I never want to be the perfect family. I don't want to be the quiet wife who watches her husband work while she stays at home knitting sweaters for her nicely dressed son and daughter. There is nothing wrong with that, but it's not for me. i want my family to be loud and happy and messy. To laugh at stupid jokes and themselves and know when to have a good time. I want my family to be more concerned about spending time with each other than about the money we make. I want my family to experience life, go camping, play with dirt, travel to different countries and walk the streets with the poor. I don't want them to be spoiled and have everything they could imagine; i want them to understand the pain of others and not be afraid to cry when they themselves hurt. I want a family that reaches out and expresses themselves freely. i don't want to subscribe to the American dream, with the white pickett fence and the dog and 2.5 children. NO. It's not for me. But, more power to you, perfect families for you make my definition of dysfunctional so much easier to describe!

Flaky? Really

So, i'm sitting at work... i should actually be working, but it is one of those days when i have too much on my mind to really be productive. Writing seems to be the only release on days like this; much to the chagrin of my company and clients.
I want, for just a couple of brief seconds, to go back in time to change that last thing i said or the way i said it. I can't count the number of times i replay conversations in my head and pick out what i should have said... and ultimately feel remorse for what i did not mention. It's a fault of mine to blame myself for the past moments when, in fact, they are past and will never be changed.
I want to be able to turn myself around and stare myself in the face and talk some sense into myself at the exact point that i am going to do something stupid. What a difference that would make... no more hurtful words, moments left unfinished, stupid mistakes. (But, do i really want to stop myself, and would i?)
I guess it's true what Mark Twain said "Years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do.... than by those you did" (paraphrased) However, i am often more disappointed by what i do.
Someone told me today that I was flaky, i'm beginning to agree.

Accidentally

who am i?
and why does it take a stupid mistake to make me realize that life is precious
and anything can happen-if we are open to it
or aren't paying attention

i wrecked my car-
sitting here in a ditch i cannot do anything but laugh through my tears.
laugh because: it only takes one split second to find myself sitting on the side of the road-sideways-starring at the broken side mirror
and thinking "i'd been doing so well"
and tears because: how can i fix this? i can't even get out of my car- i need help (something i fear asking for).

humbling-yes, this is the experience of being humbled.
(oh, God: don't laugh)
but, thank you for the SLOW sign. i need that occasionally.