You're a Liar

it's this heart i don't trust-
beating erratically in my chest
tricking me into belief
and then proving false at each turn.

I despise you heart;
Your deceptive fluttering
sending poison through my veins
disguised as life, love-
i am sick with your heresy.
you torture me endlessly
with you warmth
with your instinctive hope in goodness
which turns to darkness
and hate,
instantly.
you betray me.

it's this heart i don't trust.
but if not you,
than who?

California Dream'n

when i'm upset, or i've had a really bad day; when i'm sinking into the mire of my life and feeling useless and insignificant, i dream of California.
i imagine what my life would have been like if I had i gone, like i had always imagined i would, to California for college. i imagine the people i would have met, the guys i would have dated, the water i would have surfed in, the body i would have been forced to maintain, the tan i would have sported year long. I wonder at the person i would have become had i moved into the world of the west coast. Would I have stayed all 4 years? Would i be married now, spending my evenings rocking a baby? Would I have stayed in California, be there now working as a photographer, or maybe a nurse? Would I love my job or would i hate it, the same as i do now?
it's easy, when i'm discouraged about where life has taken me, to believe that my life would be fantastically different if i had moved to California. And maybe it would be. Or maybe it would be the same, or worse. does our location determine our situation?
regardless, tonight i wish for the long sunsets and sandy beaches of southern California.... it's been one of those days.

purple elephants

tonight feels like a dream:
the air, so thick it feels like a cushion,
muffles the voices around me.
the sweet taste of pineapple
and alcohol roll around in my mouth
and i am laughing.

the sun is setting
and my dress is sticking to the seat
and a breeze comes through the door
and evaporates the sweat from my arm.
we are talking:
about relationships, about life,
about the boy in the chair next to us,
making plans
we are laughing.

the crowd is growing
we are losing time
and the room is dark and cool,
and we are excited in anticipation.
i want to close my eyes
and drink it all in.

his voice is gravely and low,
his jeans ripped at the knee,
his arms support his tool-of-the-trade-
he is our entertainment
and i listen-transfixed.
because to me,
it is more than music
more than words he sings.
they are memories
documenting a year of my life-
a year of confusion
and hurt
and love
and heartache: with you.
just like a dream.

oh, just cry me a river!

*nightmares*

a part of me can never forget:
especially tonight
when the wind, blowing through my window
caught me off guard
and with my eyes closed
and breathing deeply the scent
there he was,
plain as day.

i don't think God meant it to be like this:
where memories are like nightmares
or open scabs,
and the vividness steals sleep
and the ghosts linger in the stillness
whispering deceit.
no- i don't think He meant that.


*loud*

it's the silence that screams the most-
that wakes me up early
and whispers to me late;
it dances around me like a nymph
taunting me with closed lips;
and rings in my ears
'til i'm deaf.
the silence
stopping me dead in my tracks
playing tricks with my mind
i can hear it so loud.

Underwater

last night i had a dream:
i was talking to you
in despair-
you were listening.
and lying on my bed
everything went dark
and i couldn't speak
and water began rising around me.

i was drowing
and you were asking:
"what would make you happy?"
i couldn't speak-
i was drowning.
but i was breathing
and my voice was quite
and i wanted to recite a list of happy things.
i was sinking underwater,
in darkness
i was afraid.

Above me
i saw dim light
and fish were swimming around me
under and above me
and i was clutching the phone,
but i was silent
and you were gone.
and the fish swam around and through me
and it was dark
and i was scared.

i closed my eyes
breathing slowly underwater
i was alone
with fish
and throughts of what would make me happy
and then i was gone.

Job Hate

do you ever just really absolutely hate your job? let's start a club... it can be called "the perfect job club" and all we do is sit around talking about what would be the perfect job... obviously not the one i currently have, because i totally hate my job... absolutely, positively, no doubt about it. (i hope my boss isn't reading this)

Africa

Ok.. Coolest thing ever! I was reading through a newsletter from my grad department about events and opportunities and I scanned past an article about some person from the IU Medical School at Indianapolis taking a trip to this college in Kenya called Moi. I thought it was interesting, so I read through it and apparently the IUPUI University Library has started an initiative with the University Library at Moi, which I think is really cool. So, as I continue to read, I notice that they mention the possibility of doing a staff exchange with staff at Moi and UL. So, now I'm really super excited! I don't work at UL or anything, but still it's cool! So, at the end of the article it gives the name and email address of the Development Coordinator at IUPUI Library and says to contact her if there are any questions. I don't think much of it until later on in the day I started thinking about internships. And, suddenly I thought: how cool would it be to do an internship in Africa?!?! So, I sent an email to the woman named in the article and asked if there were any ideas for internships with the Moi library. She emailed be back today and said that there weren't any at this present time, but the possiblity was there. She asked me to send her my resume and she would keep me posted about opportunities that might arise!! Now, I know that this is really a shot in the dark and the chances of me actually doing in internship in Africa are probably pretty slim, but still... how incredible would that be!? Dream with me, people!! Spending 2 or 3 months in Africa would be the most amazing thing that could happen!!! Keep your fingers crossed :)
Here is the link to the library: http://www.mu.ac.ke/library/index.html.

Like a Child

Whenever I happen to be home and visiting my Grandmother, there is one story she continues to tell, without fail. It’s a story about when I was just a little girl and I would swing on the swings with my sister. One day we went to the park and as I was swinging I started belting out a song from Annie: “Tomorrow, Tomorrow I love ya tomorrow”. I repeated that line over and over as I flew high into the trees and I can imagine I had my eyes closed and a big grin on my face; passionate oblivion! My sister however, according to my Grandmother’s rendition, was equally passionate about getting me to stop singing and I’m sure her pale little face was growing redder by the minute at each failed attempt to silence me. Every time my grandmother tells this story I roll my eyes and blush a little as though I’m embarrassed, but secretly I love to hear it.
When I was home for Mother’s day this past weekend, my Grandmother told the story again and I did my little eye roll and blush and tried to shrug it off, but this time I couldn’t and here I am, three days later, still thinking about it. And here’s why: I love that little girl. I love that she was so free and content and relaxed that nothing, not even an over-heated bigger sister, could hamper her joy. I love that it only took a swing and a song and the wind tickling her toes to make her feel alive.
It’s been a tough couple of months for me. Life has kind of been careening back and forth and I feel like I’ve hit some of my lowest lows. I’m a far cry from that bright-eyed girl on the swing professing her love for the coming day; instead I’m cynically cursing it. I suppose most all children are cheerful and enthusiastic about life and then change as they grow up, but I wish it wasn’t so. I long to be that carefree and innocent again, able to let problems and let-downs roll off my back, eager to take chances and embrace life as it comes. I want to shrug off the bitterness and anger and doubt and depression I have worn for too many years; they are ugly and cloud my judgment and weaken my resolve. I think that is why Jesus told his disciples, when they asked who would be the greatest in Heaven, that you must become like a little child: “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.” Mat 18:3-4. Jesus knew that we mess things up as adults; that we become jaded and prideful and we lose sight of what really matters in life, but, He also has faith that we can change.
I think we all need more times in life when we remember what it was like to be a child. Whether it’s hearing an old story, playing with a child, swinging on the swings, or even helping Grandma bake cookies, it’s good to be intentional about finding that childlike spirit. I’m hoping that the more often I find that spirit the easier it will become to sustain it and then maybe, it won’t be too hard for me to love this big girl.

i guess it can't hurt to be shameless

~I will be for you~

make me a fool
and i'll be one for you
if that will make you love me

make me a star
and i'll shine brighter than the sun
if that will prove my love

make me your slave
and i will be true to you
if that will make you trust me

make me your queen
and i will reign over your heart
if that will make me desirable

make me a tree
and i will stand tall and support you
if that will make you believe me

make me a home
and i will comfort you
if that will make me yours.

Who ate the cupcakes and other funny tales

I recently rearranged my box of an apartment so that my chair is next to the ledge attached to my kitchen counter which is supposed to be sort of my kitchen table. Anyway, Willow has decided this is a great way for him to get up on the counter top, so when i have been lazy and I leave food sitting out on the counter, he sneaks up there and eats it when i'm not looking. He's so smart! The other day, I came home for lunch and got out the cupcakes I had made a few nights before. I was in a hurry and i accidently left them on the counter, uncovered. When I came back from work at the end of the day, Willow had licked off all the frosting and had managed to capture one of the cupcakes in his mouth and carry into the living room, where i found it lying on the floor!! You gotta love a puppy who loves frosting :)

Indianapolis

I am going to sing the praises of Indianapolis for a minute! First of all, my favorite thing about this city is that it is growing and learning and not yet stuck in the "we're such a big city and way too cool" mode. This year has started contruction on what is termed the "cultural trail" http://www.indyculturaltrail.info/. Basically it's this trail all through the city that connects the different areas of the city: The art district, the business district, the market district, so that people can easily ride bikes, skate, or walk anywhere they need to go within these districts. I, as one who really appreciates being able to walk most everywhere, love this idea! The stinky part: it's hard to walk anywhere when all the sidewalks are ripped out for construction.

Second, we have the colts... World Champions :)

the end!

On the road again

It's hard to imagine that a year ago today I was on the long road trip out to Yellowstone National Park with the intentions of working until September. Oh, to be free from the daily grind and the concrete jungle ... and back on the road toward beauty and adventure just once more! I am longing for something a little greater than the monsterous buildings that rise up around me; something a little more peaceful than the blaring stereos and late night sirens; something slower paced than the whir of technology and the dizzing dance of life i am finding myself in. I want to return, not just in spirit, to the majestic beauty of the harsh, rugged mountains of the west... the place where it is not difficult to find myself craddled in the warmth of His tender touch; finally at peace.

Portrait

My sweet, dear old art teacher presented me with three portraits he made of me! I was so touched.. and then a little horrified when i saw the last one (quite unflattering and utterly too horrific to display here) but i wanted to share the other two, here. You can judge the likeness for yourself!

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

Yeah! I'm so excited about my tickets to see Damien Rice this month! :)

Have you had one of those days?!

I totally dig this band... my new favorite! I love this song and this video and it's totally my life right now! Enjoy!!

cinnamon soldiers and that certain laugh

today has been a royally crappy day. and the evening was more crap laid on crap. So, what did i do? i made cinnamon soldiers to cheer myself up... and ate them all, which if you aren't familiar with them, is basically eating a whole pie crust with cinnamon and sugar sprinked on top. I can just imagine how my thighs are crying out in glee!
and then i called my long lost friend, who always, without question, tells me what i don't want to hear and did just that tonight.. (oh, i love you!) but, my real reason for calling was to hear him laugh because for some reason, his laugh gives me a sense of relief and when i'm feeling depressed and disoriented, relief is just what i need! (thank you!)

Some new poems. Tell me what you think... crappy or kinda good..??

1

i think i don't know it yet
but i will soon
and when i do
i think it will be amazing
and a complete shock
and not anything i would have expected at all
i can't wait, i think,
but i don't know yet.

2
i keep seeing them
all over town
in the streets with broken necks
in the grass with crooked wings
under bushes lying in shame.
i am angry, but only in afterthought.
i am startled, at first
mistaking it for a leaf
or stone
i don't understand
and i stare
and for a moment can see movement
on its breast.
and realize it is only the wind
dancing under his feathers.
i am upset
but why for just this simple,
lifeless mess of beak and cartlidge and
silky feathers?
i am upset
because it is death and death so
perverted and blatent
and i am unprepared.

3
climb into bed with me, my love
and kiss me sweetly-
tell me the story of our love
and then we'll dream....
of all the things we'll do.
and then
hold me
and laugh with me
and remind me that this
is fovever.