cinnamon soldiers and that certain laugh

today has been a royally crappy day. and the evening was more crap laid on crap. So, what did i do? i made cinnamon soldiers to cheer myself up... and ate them all, which if you aren't familiar with them, is basically eating a whole pie crust with cinnamon and sugar sprinked on top. I can just imagine how my thighs are crying out in glee!
and then i called my long lost friend, who always, without question, tells me what i don't want to hear and did just that tonight.. (oh, i love you!) but, my real reason for calling was to hear him laugh because for some reason, his laugh gives me a sense of relief and when i'm feeling depressed and disoriented, relief is just what i need! (thank you!)

Some new poems. Tell me what you think... crappy or kinda good..??

1

i think i don't know it yet
but i will soon
and when i do
i think it will be amazing
and a complete shock
and not anything i would have expected at all
i can't wait, i think,
but i don't know yet.

2
i keep seeing them
all over town
in the streets with broken necks
in the grass with crooked wings
under bushes lying in shame.
i am angry, but only in afterthought.
i am startled, at first
mistaking it for a leaf
or stone
i don't understand
and i stare
and for a moment can see movement
on its breast.
and realize it is only the wind
dancing under his feathers.
i am upset
but why for just this simple,
lifeless mess of beak and cartlidge and
silky feathers?
i am upset
because it is death and death so
perverted and blatent
and i am unprepared.

3
climb into bed with me, my love
and kiss me sweetly-
tell me the story of our love
and then we'll dream....
of all the things we'll do.
and then
hold me
and laugh with me
and remind me that this
is fovever.

tears

Something you said last night
took me by surprise
and painted an incredibly beautiful
and haunting portrait
of you,
one i've never seen before,
but will forever be in love with.
It's you,
weeping and frozen
standing waist deep
in a pool of swiftly moving river-
hating yourself
and begging for Grace
from a God who is ominously silent
except for the whispers bubbling up on the bank of the river.
It's you,
hopeless and desperate
with wet blue lips
and clothes so drenched they could be mistaken for skin.
You did something so simple and soft
and quiet-
a phone call to your dad (my heart is breaking)
with nothing in particular to say (except all the particulars in the world)
you talked
while the world was dark and chaotic around you
while the rain sent shivers through your soul,
you slowed down
and listened- to the love that created you.
And slowly
nothing around you changed
and the darkness you felt inside didn't leave
and the fear you had wasn't extinguished
and the confusion still couldn't be shaken
but
you saw something that changed the outcome,
something worth holding onto-that you knew held you.
You didn't lie down in the water and wash away.
You stepped onto the soaking, muddy earth
and surrendered to the knowledge that life
isn't sweet or kind
but it's rising and falling in your chest
and you need it
and you need moments like this
when tears well up in my eyes.

life sucks

"there are two great lies that i’ve heard:“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him"
~derek webb A King and A Kingdom



****** for more awesome and thought provoking lyrics and music go to www.derekwebb.com or you can download Derek's new album Mockingbird at www.freederekwebb.com !!!

hummm..

one thing i really hate...
having a moment, or day that seems so perfect and then realizing that even though it feels perfect it's only the moment or a day; nothing has really changed.

first days and bad decisions

I started my new job today. it will be interesting and hopefully a lot less stressful than working at Four County. at least it will be 8-5 and salaried and three weeks vacation and free health benefits! i can walk to work too, which has to be the biggest bonus of them all. I met my new co-workers and they both seem very nice and just as confused as i am, which is good, because they just started too :) I did learn a very interesting tidbit about the building i will be working in. The building was built way back in the 1900's and used to be two seperate hotels which housed young professional women who came to indianapolis to work. It was mainly nurses and even a few doctors... which is strange since it was 1920. Anyway, one night a young female doctor was murdered in her hotel room. I don't know any details about the murder, except that it is a cold case and I'm going to do some research. The new property manager for the building will be living in the apartment where the woman was murdered, creepy isn't it? I hope he has some good stories to tell!

On another note, I met a homeless woman outside of my apartment tonight. We had a little conversation... she asked me for food and a pair of jeans and I listened to her talk about her life and how she wished she'd done things differently.. and then tell me that i should start having kids (random)! I told her that the Salvation Army was just down the street and they could get her food, a place to sleep, and some new clothes... and then she said she had to go. I always wonder when i encounter those situations if i'm doing the right thing. Should I have gone to my apartment and given her my bread, or an old pair of jeans? Is it a cop out to tell her about the neighborhood services and send her on her way? What would Jesus' response be? hummm....

Starting Over

I'm finally settled for awhile, I think, so hopefully for any of you who are still interested in reading this post (and even if there isn't anyone) I'm going to try and get back on the blogging train. So, please join me on this long journey... we'll share some coffee and laughter and maybe even hug at the end!

i'm young... so sue me

I know that life is more than just moving from place to place. I know I can't run away from my problems and I know that eventually life is going to require that I settle down into something, but can anyone one blame me for not wanting to settle down now? I mean, I'm young and I only have a few more years that I can move around without worrying about having a husband or a house or kids or a REAL job! Is it wrong to want to postpone those things for as long as i can?! Am i an alien??

Willow gets made!

Willow got a much needed haircut and a brand new sweater. Isn't he the cutest puppy ever?!

simply simple

i feel like i live a small life. i don't think that's a bad thing, but it feels like it sometimes. i don't think it feels small in the sense that it's not important, but small in the sense that it's simple and not a big production. i often envy people who live in big cities and have so much activity right at their finger-tips. the bright lights, the nosiy cars, the plays, shoppes, action, action, action... i get sucked in i get greedy and jealous and materialistic and then i can't breathe because i'm so bogged down by my selfishness.

i fight it. i fight the simplicity of the sunrise, a warm cup of coffe, fog rising over the pond, a songbird's melody... i fight it because i think that the world is bigger than that, but honestly there is nothing bigger than the simplicty of nature; what a contradiction.

Helen Keller was once quoted as saying "We can never do great things, only small things with great love" and i am finding out more and more how true this is. It's the small things, the small lives, the little attention to detail that really count in the end. I just never want my life to be so big, so jam-packed with activity or myself that i can't take the time to send a letter, or call a friend, or hug my family... because really, what's more important?

i'm pretty fond of you, but geesh....

Big green fat man
eating smelly yogurt
beside the almond shaped pool-
everyone staring
and wondering,
but no on mentioning a thing.

Little kids splashing
noiselessly across the pool
from the fat man-
now sunning his furry back

blond-haired plastic skinned dolls
slapping bronzed oil into their
already tanned skin
dodging glances from the fat, green man

sun kissing cheeks
and pinching fat green man's
bulging sausage limbs.

Blessings and Well Wishes

So, Mike and I survived our Christmas and I hope the rest of you did as well! Well, I hope you more than survived it, I hope that you were all surrounded by friends and family who love you and give good presents! And, I hope you all moved past the stress and long lines and crazy people and remembered why we do actually celebrate Christmas! (Even though i told Mike that I'm planning on changing religions by next Christmas so I don't have to buy gifts anymore!) But, in all seriousness, I hope all of your Christmases brought welcome surprises and a little peace and joy! I love you guys! (I love you too, baby Jesus)

P.S. Don't Mike and I make a better couple than Tom and Katie (pictured below)?!?!?!

I love old people, they can be so random! Today I was rushing through Wal-Mart trying to get some last minute shopping done. I stopped by the magazine isle to see if i could find a specialty magazine for a gift. As I was standing there half browsing and half thinking of what else i needed to buy an older man approached and glanced at the magazines for a moment and then turned to me and pointed to US magazine which had an adorable picture of TomKat conoodling on the cover. "These young famous guys" the older man says "they can do whatever they want, they've got so much money. And her," he says motioning toward Katie Holmes, "I used to think she was the cutest little thing. All these movie stars, they get married and split up weeks later." Of course all this time i'm standing there politely agreeing with what he is saying wondering what in the world he is going to say next. And just when I think he is turning to leave, he looks at me and says, "I say all those movie stars are interested in is "shacking up". Leave it to those old men to say something you just wouldn't expect. Make him proud Tom and Katie!

Jones soda

Everyone loves Jone's Soda, don't they? Go to jonessoda.com and vote for my picture to be on a soda label! Once you are on the website, go to labels and click on photo gallery. Then under search type in heather and i'm the only Heather from Rochester, IN! Thanks guys, you are the best!!

I just wanted to show a couple pictures i've taken and finally uploaded onto the computer. Let me know what you think!!

Gas prices

I just got my first gas bill today... and freak'n wow! I know that we, as a country, are in somewhat of a crisis with the whole gas thing, but what? are they trying to freeze us out because they know they can't just kill us? I live in a box and to keep this box warm... not even hot, ( i keep my thermostat at 63 degrees) it costs more than i spend on food each month! I guess i'm just going to have to turn off the heat all together and start wearing all of my clothes instead of the normal long-johns and three sweaters i already wear. So, those of you who see me on a regular basis, if you notice icicles hanging from my nose you'll know why! Happy freezing!!!

Today

Today is
a"i feel worthless" day
a "i don't care what i eat, make me fat" day
a "even if i'm beauitful, i'm not" day
a "don't even start" day
a " is it over yet?" day
a "keeping laughing or i'll cry" day
a "even if i'm laughing i might be crying" day
a " go back to bed" day

I can't wait for tomorrow, I hope it's a
"i don't want this day to end" day!
(pretty please?!)

So much for better

The second best thing to moving out of state is moving across town? Apparently I've fashioned this idea, and so far I'm not too amused by it. I mean, yes, it is so much better living on my own in my own little house with my own things and not having to sneak into my parents house at 1 am worried that they will be asking me where I was. But, honestly, I have no reason to be out at 1 am in the first place. It's not like there is a hopping night life here in Rochester, or that I really have anyone to go out with to begin with. So, can you tell i'm really enjoying myself?!
It seems like too often in my life i've been disappointed. I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of over-exaggerated expectation, or just a running theme for me. I know i've writen about this previously, but i am constantly amazed at my lack of excitement about what I thought might make me truely excited. I just don't want to continue through life on the "disappointment train" how awful would that be? Maybe it's my whole outlook on life. I expect a lot out of BIG decisions or changes, when it's really the little things that get me going. And maybe that is how life is really supposed to be. I celebrated more over the fact that my puppy went for a whole week without pooping or peeing in the house than i did over actually moving. Which is more important?
Life is a mystery... I don't know why I sometimes feel a certain way when i think I should feel something else. Hmmmm....

Mike and I want to move away, but we have no idea where to start, any suggestions? We have a general area that we want to live in, but the searching for apartments and jobs is such a pain. I've never moved to a new place and had nowhere to live or no one to know. It's a little stressful!