What's the Attraction?

I must admit, I'm jealous. In all my surfing across the great wide cyber space i've come to notice that there are certain people who gain more attention just because of their beauty. They could be the dumbest people in the entire world and would not even be noticed if not for their beautiful hair and flawless skin, perfect makeup and fashion sense. Of course this isn't just true online, but anywhere one would find oneself, and I know this is an age-old problem... the beautiful girls are always picked over the plain looking ones even if they have no personality. So, why is this just beginning to bother me now?! And why should it bother me at all? I have a boyfriend who adores me, thinks i'm beautiful and funny (sometimes)... so the attention that other girls get shouldn't bother me, right? WRONG.

I guess I'm going to have to be brutally honest here. I secretly want to be the most attractive person in the world... there, i admitted it! I secretly want guys to gush over me and drop anything and everything so that I am happy. And, i secretly become jealous and insecure when I see that happening with other girls and not with me. Oh, the agony of being a woman with the fatal flaw of comparison, but girls, aren't we all guilty of it?! Fearful that we will loose our boyfriends or husbands to that beautiful girl in his office or the supermodel on those cheesy Victoria Secret commercials? Because, let's face it... some of us are just the "great personality" girls and there is definitely competition out there. So, how do I prevent myself from feeling that way? How do i teach myself to be content with myself and my looks? Well, i guess if i knew that answer I'd be rich.

Consequently I am glad that I don't have guys flocking around me... it would be difficult to have to turn them all down, and I think Mike might get a little annoyed by that! (hehe!)

Hey, come on in

I have this weird thing about imagining what other people's lives are like.. this might explain my obsession with reality tv. I can met these people and then see exactly what their life is like without ever coming into contact with them. Anyway, I talk to someone, or meet someone, or see someone on the street and my mind starts driffting into what their life is like. I start to imagine them going home.. what does their house look like? What is their decorating style? What will they do when they get home? Then I imagine how they intereact with others... do they laugh alot? Are they mean to their spouse or significant other? What is really going on behind there eyes? Are they having financial difficulties? I think you get the picture. The point is, i think it's really strange that I do this. I feel a little silly and crazy! I think, though, that i do it because i'm curious about other people's lives because it gives me a chance to step out of my own life for a little while... which can either be good or bad. I tend to over romanticize other people's lives, but i don't think i am alone in that... I think it's only human to think that the grass is always greener on the neighbor's side of the fence, but that doesn't mean that it's right. And, i hate being that way because then i forget to appreciate the wonderful things that i have in my life.... like a good job, my health, my youth, and people who love me.
Well, anyway.... let me know if any of you ever wants to know how i invision your lives... you might just realize that the grass really is greener on your side!!

We may not have Wilson, but at least we have each other

Mike and I had our first REAL fight today. That probably isn't something that should be announced to the blogging community, but i just want to talk about it for a moment.
I made a mistake... correction, i made a major mistake. I did something I knew was wrong and I knew it would make Mike upset, but i did it anyway. I was thinking about myself and not really caring how it would make him feel. That was my second mistake. I also completely under-estimated how upset he would be with me... which in all actuality shouldn't have mattered, the minute i thought that it would upset him should have been the minute i stopped considering doing it. Unfortunately i am completely and utterly selfish and I had no regard for anyone but myself. Damn me.
Mike was really upset with me, we both said some things that we didn't really mean.. and we wasted a lot of time arguing over stupid points. I hate fighting... i hate trying to be mean and stubborn and difficult because it is exhausting! But, as much as i hate fighting, the process always brings me to the realization that true love can make it through anything. Mike is amazing and wonderful and more than i deserve... he knows with i need a swift kick in the ass! He puts me in my place even though i fight hard against it. He lets me kick and scream and exhaust myself and then he brings me back to the reality.. the truth at hand. This time he was the innocent one and i kept pointing my finger at him.. he didn't let me get away with that. He is quick to forgive, where i'm often quick to condemn... calmly answering me when i interrigate him.
It's hard for me sometimes, i don't always feel like i measure up.. i don't always feel good about my past and some of the baggage i have brought into our relationship. Sometimes i feel like i'm failing over and over and will contine to fail. And then i wake up and realize that's absolutely true... i'm human. However, Mike has a way of erasing all of that self-doubt, a way of making my mistakes look beautiful because they bring us one step closer to each other. I love this about him!
I love him! How could i possibly be so lucky?

**Mike, thank you for not giving up on me... i love you!***


ASIDE:
tonight i found a flesh colored fungus growing in our front yard... i kid you not, it looks like a penis. if i was computer savy, i'd post a picture of it! (thought you all needed to know!)

expectations and obligations

I really have a hard time disappointing people. I'm no good at it. If someone asks me to do something for them and i really have no "good" excuse not to, i generally do it even if i don't want to do it at all. I think this may be a problem because sometimes i can get myself into some sticky situations... not being able to say "NO" and all. For the most part, however, i only get asked to do things that are inconvenient for me... such as go out of my way to get milk for a friend because she left it at her mom's house and doesn't want to waste it. But anyway...

My real point is that every person in my life has a certain set of expectations for me. My parents expect me to get a good job and make a good life for myself... just as i expect these same things from myself, but they have a different "idea" of how i should go about fulfilling those expectations. My friends expect me to lend a listening ear and spend time with them... and i see no problem with that, except when they want me to devote the entire week to their "needs". (not that any of them really do this... but you get my point). My boyfriend has various expectations of his own... mostly the same expectations i have for him but obviously varied due to gender. My job, my church, my co-workers, my clients... they all have expectations of me and sometimes i just want to scream!!

I am a people pleaser and like i mentioned before, i will do most anything to make people happy, even if it requires me to lose a little of myself in the process. I feel obligated to people. I think, "if i don't help them, who will" so i sometimes take on the "burdens of the world" because i think i'm the only one who can. I know in my heart that this is not true, but tell that to my head.

Lately i have been feeling stretched. I don't want to go into all of it here, but i'm beginning to realize that in order to be truly happy, i have to be true to myself. Some people have expectations for me which far exceed any that i have for myself... because either they don't quite know who i am or because they can only see my situation from a narrow perspective. Either way, it's not fair for me to have to feel obligated to fulfill their expectations only because they are important in my life. I want those people to love me, but will they really deny me love because i don't meet their expectations? Maybe their expectations are grandiose and are impossible to reach, not only for me, but for anyone... or maybe i am placing too much importance on making other people happy, when in actuality, the only way i can make others happy is by first being happy myself. If i am stretched and drained and wearing thin... i can do no good for anyone.

"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you that you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

not so perfect

have you ever realized that sometimes, without even knowing it, we attach a ton of expectation to certain things and there is no way that those things could possibly live up to all the expectation. I know this in my head, but I am constantly forgetting it. i forgot it this past weekend when my boyfriend and i embarked on our first "mini-break" (as they say in England) as boyfriend and girlfriend. We had been planning our trip to Chicago for about a month... i was so excited to experience big city life with my new boyfriend! everything was planned perfectly in my head.. a nice romantic dinner, walking through the city at night, laughing and holding hands during the day as we wandered through museums or walked through the streets people watching. I envisioned us having intelligent conversations about the price of tea in Europe.... in short, i imagined that we were two completely different people. Apparently when i dreamed everything up in my head, i failed to insert the two key players, Mike and myself! I should realize by now that the moment i think that things are perfect is the moment that inevitably something will piss me off. Suffice it to say, things were not perfect and I think Mike and I fought more in one day than we've fought in the seven months that we've known each other. Although, i have to admit that most of the arguments were my fault.

Really, things weren't as bad as i make them out to be it's just that the actual weekend didn't go the way i'd planned. We did have a nice time... we did enjoy each other's company and the sites of the city. We had the romantic dinner and the laughing and holding hands while walking through the streets... but there were also moments of complete frustration. I'm learning that this is pretty normal. No couple is perfect, no person is perfect... and besides, what fun would it be if you didn't disagree? What would you learn about each other? I did learn that Mike is a trooper.. Completely patient with my shenanigans and sometimes ridiculously sour moods. He is concerned and willing to hear my side of things... even when i don't deserve to be listened to because i am being completely outrageous. For this i am so thankful... he is beyond my expectations! (thank you, love).

Our next vacation will hopefully hold no expectation... (is that possible?)