tears

Something you said last night
took me by surprise
and painted an incredibly beautiful
and haunting portrait
of you,
one i've never seen before,
but will forever be in love with.
It's you,
weeping and frozen
standing waist deep
in a pool of swiftly moving river-
hating yourself
and begging for Grace
from a God who is ominously silent
except for the whispers bubbling up on the bank of the river.
It's you,
hopeless and desperate
with wet blue lips
and clothes so drenched they could be mistaken for skin.
You did something so simple and soft
and quiet-
a phone call to your dad (my heart is breaking)
with nothing in particular to say (except all the particulars in the world)
you talked
while the world was dark and chaotic around you
while the rain sent shivers through your soul,
you slowed down
and listened- to the love that created you.
And slowly
nothing around you changed
and the darkness you felt inside didn't leave
and the fear you had wasn't extinguished
and the confusion still couldn't be shaken
but
you saw something that changed the outcome,
something worth holding onto-that you knew held you.
You didn't lie down in the water and wash away.
You stepped onto the soaking, muddy earth
and surrendered to the knowledge that life
isn't sweet or kind
but it's rising and falling in your chest
and you need it
and you need moments like this
when tears well up in my eyes.

life sucks

"there are two great lies that i’ve heard:“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him"
~derek webb A King and A Kingdom



****** for more awesome and thought provoking lyrics and music go to www.derekwebb.com or you can download Derek's new album Mockingbird at www.freederekwebb.com !!!

hummm..

one thing i really hate...
having a moment, or day that seems so perfect and then realizing that even though it feels perfect it's only the moment or a day; nothing has really changed.

first days and bad decisions

I started my new job today. it will be interesting and hopefully a lot less stressful than working at Four County. at least it will be 8-5 and salaried and three weeks vacation and free health benefits! i can walk to work too, which has to be the biggest bonus of them all. I met my new co-workers and they both seem very nice and just as confused as i am, which is good, because they just started too :) I did learn a very interesting tidbit about the building i will be working in. The building was built way back in the 1900's and used to be two seperate hotels which housed young professional women who came to indianapolis to work. It was mainly nurses and even a few doctors... which is strange since it was 1920. Anyway, one night a young female doctor was murdered in her hotel room. I don't know any details about the murder, except that it is a cold case and I'm going to do some research. The new property manager for the building will be living in the apartment where the woman was murdered, creepy isn't it? I hope he has some good stories to tell!

On another note, I met a homeless woman outside of my apartment tonight. We had a little conversation... she asked me for food and a pair of jeans and I listened to her talk about her life and how she wished she'd done things differently.. and then tell me that i should start having kids (random)! I told her that the Salvation Army was just down the street and they could get her food, a place to sleep, and some new clothes... and then she said she had to go. I always wonder when i encounter those situations if i'm doing the right thing. Should I have gone to my apartment and given her my bread, or an old pair of jeans? Is it a cop out to tell her about the neighborhood services and send her on her way? What would Jesus' response be? hummm....

Starting Over

I'm finally settled for awhile, I think, so hopefully for any of you who are still interested in reading this post (and even if there isn't anyone) I'm going to try and get back on the blogging train. So, please join me on this long journey... we'll share some coffee and laughter and maybe even hug at the end!

i'm young... so sue me

I know that life is more than just moving from place to place. I know I can't run away from my problems and I know that eventually life is going to require that I settle down into something, but can anyone one blame me for not wanting to settle down now? I mean, I'm young and I only have a few more years that I can move around without worrying about having a husband or a house or kids or a REAL job! Is it wrong to want to postpone those things for as long as i can?! Am i an alien??

Willow gets made!

Willow got a much needed haircut and a brand new sweater. Isn't he the cutest puppy ever?!

simply simple

i feel like i live a small life. i don't think that's a bad thing, but it feels like it sometimes. i don't think it feels small in the sense that it's not important, but small in the sense that it's simple and not a big production. i often envy people who live in big cities and have so much activity right at their finger-tips. the bright lights, the nosiy cars, the plays, shoppes, action, action, action... i get sucked in i get greedy and jealous and materialistic and then i can't breathe because i'm so bogged down by my selfishness.

i fight it. i fight the simplicity of the sunrise, a warm cup of coffe, fog rising over the pond, a songbird's melody... i fight it because i think that the world is bigger than that, but honestly there is nothing bigger than the simplicty of nature; what a contradiction.

Helen Keller was once quoted as saying "We can never do great things, only small things with great love" and i am finding out more and more how true this is. It's the small things, the small lives, the little attention to detail that really count in the end. I just never want my life to be so big, so jam-packed with activity or myself that i can't take the time to send a letter, or call a friend, or hug my family... because really, what's more important?

i'm pretty fond of you, but geesh....

Big green fat man
eating smelly yogurt
beside the almond shaped pool-
everyone staring
and wondering,
but no on mentioning a thing.

Little kids splashing
noiselessly across the pool
from the fat man-
now sunning his furry back

blond-haired plastic skinned dolls
slapping bronzed oil into their
already tanned skin
dodging glances from the fat, green man

sun kissing cheeks
and pinching fat green man's
bulging sausage limbs.